Another Cognitively Dissonant Christmas

I have to remember I can't trust my feelings around this time of year. For reasons not clear to me, Christmas, especially December, makes my mind go amuck.

The reasons seem obvious, but also not. I don't knowingly feel overwhelmed by Christmas. I both reject and accept it. I hate the commercialism but love the coziness of it. So, why does it make me feel anxious? And why do I start to reject absolutely everything?

It's gross. I hate this feeling. This idea that I am enjoying aspects of the season but feeling so apathetic.

Such a conflict.

And I remember the years past feeling like I was losing ground only to have January come about and I feel normal again.

Is it family? Is it expectations? Who's expectations? Mine?

For the last twenty years, Christmas has been my job to pull off. I've got to say - it's a fucking lot to ask of someone. While I try and let go of that expectation on myself, the habit remains. It's twenty years in the making.

So, what shall I do?

I shall accept the odds, I suppose. Surrender to my incompatibility and put thoughts and feelings on a shelf for now. I will review them in the new year when the air clears of this ambiguity.