Non Titillating Dirty Secrets

Still writing (the novel) and doin' pretty good, I think. I'm taking a small break today because I wanted to write here and I have a headache.

I keep hearing myself say, "I'm just so tired. I'm just sooooooo tired..." and it's hard to tell if I'm actually tired or if it's induced tired, you see: A good amount of the time in a day, my body slides into nicotine withdrawal - a small hidden secret fact.

Afterwork is when I attempt to pile drive some nicotine into my body with a smoke so that my eyes and brain will respond properly.

Because the Greek often goes out in the evening, he plays sports, board games, hangs with buddies,  I get to relax and do the cigarette thing like a normal adult. And, I also get to relax and be me, such as:

• Not talk to anyone
• have a bath and read forever
• sometimes clean up and organize
• call one of my daughters and gab with them 
• have a glass of wine
• have a cigarette (one is usually fine)
• binge watch a series like a sloth
• includes eating horribly and loving every minute of it

Because of the smoking thing with the Greek, I'm often just so glad to have him hurry and leave so I can at least do that (or that's what I've been telling myself), but if I imagine myself being able to have a guilt free glass of wine and cigarette while he was here, I would still feel obligated to revolve the remainder of my time around him/us. 

Now, I'm not saying that he's demanding that, it could very well be me that's projecting that.

I'm also not saying that he isn't unconsciously demanding that I entertain him, and it's subtle enough that I don't pick it up. 

OR, both of us are together so we're both assuming a "I guess we're here together, we should do things together" type mindset because we're still kinda newlyweds. 

What I know for sure is that after I get home from work and am able to have that cigarette, wine, and silence - I perk up and decide what it is *I* would like to do: tv, bath, knit, talk to family... and I'm no longer exhausted.

If he was home with me I would have sat on the couch with him and

a) had a long, drawn out dish about work bullshit that can end up being us talking negatively about work, or
b)  watching a show that we both want to watch  and promptly fall asleep against the warmth of this body -  "exhausted." 

I think what I'm saying is that he might be like having an over scheduled child that doesn't know how to be bored. MAYBE I'm saying that. 

I'm not sure. 

(pretty sure though)