Thursday, September 14, 2017

Sweet Calm

Not sure why I'm feeling so - naked - so to speak. Vulnerable I suppose is a better word, but vulnerable because I feel naked. My usual barriers not in place.

The Greek pal didn't want to not talk to me while he was away and asked what I needed to feel comfortable with it all. I said I needed him to not sleep with other women. So, if that was an important part of this trip for him, then just let me go while he's away.

He said it was not important and he would much rather be in touch with me than leave that as an open opportunity. So, that's good.

Obviously, I don't trust that 100%, but... I trust it enough to enjoy his trip with him.

Work is fine. Sometimes I'm not busy enough and that leaves me feeling yucky somehow. We have a big production going on for the next few days and it will be busy - that doesn't seem to fix things.

I miss him. I feel a bit sad about that.

I have to/want to stop smoking so that I don't have to deal with this double life bullshit when he comes back. I guess I feel a bit off about that as well.

I'm afraid that when he comes back, the intensity will be exhausting. So, I need to clean my soul...

Open myself to change and letting go (smoking)
Ask to see the gentle quiet in us
Look to sweet calm
Show me the light in the day.

I surrender.

Friday, September 8, 2017

Schrödinger's Cat (sort of, I guess)

Come on... seriously. He's boldly (or honestly) stated that he will probably have sex with someone(s) while he's there. We even talked about it before he left.

Yesterday, I exactly told him that if that was the case, I didn't really want to continue chatting everyday because every day I see his face, I'm imagining him with someone. Or, right after he messages me, I imagine he picks up with some girl and I see them in my minds eye having sex... great.

I would rather just not be together while he's there ie. don't talk like we're something while he's fucking other women.

I don't think he got it. He said, look I promise you I will be consistent in my messages and you will never be able to tell from my behaviour if I did or didn't.

Ummm, no. That just means EVERY TIME I talk to you, it's safe to assume you just were or are just about to be with someone. No. No, no, and... no.

If I don't talk to him while he's there, then he's in a box that I don't open. He's him and I'm me. We are separate. I don't have to know either way. I can assume he did or will at some point without feeling he did or imagining he did every.fucking.time I talk to him.

Thursday, September 7, 2017


Okay, so, it's starting to hit me. His absence. It's funny ish.

He's on his own now on one of the Greek Islands bound to be full of other travellers. Women travellers. He's going to meet them, he flows better with the ladies. He's going to hang out with them.

I believe he's rented a scooter, which looks like a blast, but my gut sees him touring the island with a couple of lovely girls, ladies, women and, you know, connecting.

My mind saw him having carefree sex with one of them. I almost vomited.

This almost violent fear of loss struck me (and then my phone lit up with a message from him, a photo (of which I enlarged to see who I could see in the reflection of his sunglasses... oi) ).

That comfort zone of having him with me all the time, exhausting me sexually and otherwise - leading me to think I would be okay without him because you know, I need some space - is suddenly gone.

My heart breaks at the unwelcome daydream of him pleasuring some other woman.

He means a lot to me.

That's scary.

A part of me wanted to message him right then and there and tell him to stop messaging me as of today, because it is going to break my heart when, suddenly, his daily messages dry up because he is otherwise engaged with whoever she turns out to be.

sad face.

Also... I think I see a trend

Monday, September 4, 2017

meH :| !

everything is bullshit. fucking stories stuck in my something that doesn't exist. bull shit.

Friday, August 25, 2017


He was playing one of his disco songs and signing, in only that way that he can, the lyrics to me. Poorly mouthing them because he doesn't really know all the words, but he doesn't care. He gets to the one line that was his intention to point out to me, "a love so deep..."

I can't remember the song, but that doesn't matter. I was surprised that that was the line he wanted to emphasize in his poor lip syncing.

I still can't explain to myself why it is I feel so connected to him. When those moments happen, when he sings disco songs at me, I wonder at it, because if it was anyone else I would be, "okay, buddy... " but he just makes me smile. Somehow, I know him differently and his corny ways delight me.

And that he also feels that we have a love so deep... touches me.

I'm here, we're in the same city, we spend a lot of time together, and I only love him more. So, I guess that answers that question.

He's going away for 5 weeks. He's going to Greece. I'll probably be back here a lot during that time lamenting on all the ways my life feels naked and how my body is missing its magnet - that thing I have been inexplicably drawn to for the past 3 years.

Sunday, August 20, 2017


There is a lot going on in the world and it's making me feel really sick. There's fear that I'm not doing something I should be doing. Fear that this rampant sharing against hate is only providing a sense of self righteousness to those that speak out on social media, which is just the opposite side of the same coin. That gives me a good serving of anxiety - more than the haters promoting hate. Because, we're the only ones that can stop it, and maybe, just maybe, we're doing it wrong.

Public shaming overall is so dirty and wrong. I don't want to be part of that.  I feel like all I can effectively do right now is exude respect with every fibre of my being to every person that I meet - including the haters (perhaps most importantly them).

And by respect for haters - I don't mean acceptance of their ideas. But a healthy dose of respect that they are humans and somebody somewhere down the line fucked them up big.

I wonder what it would look like if every person who was so vehemently against hate did that. If they just became pristinely quiet in their heads and hearts and just went about their day with the utmost respect for all things, doing the next right thing that was within their reach.

That doesn't mean that hate crimes would suddenly become legal and that we wouldn't quietly and purposefully remove dangerous people that were acting out from the general population. We would just do it as a matter of fact and need.

What if we recognized that we, as a whole, failed great masses of people and created, facilitated, contributed to,  this mental unwellness. What if we had compassion for those people. What if we, at the very least, just asked this question?

If we truly are so justified. If we truly are the higher minds... is that not what we would do?

Or do we just scream our own ideals back?

I was sadistically sexually abused as a very young child over a five year period. I don't want that to ever happen to another living anything, and I've come to a conclusion that the closest I can come to being part of the change is to recognize predators as seriously flawed humans and have compassion for their illness (as someone affected by this, I can support those that seek to truly help understand and heal this affliction. I can believe that somewhere in those that do these acts, there is shame and pain for having done so. I can believe in them - it is truly all I have).

That was a very hard and humbling conclusion to arrive at but having done so... I can see with absolute clarity that the same is true here.

I don't want to invest in condemning. I want to invest in making it stop.

I do need to point out that I am aware that we need to know what is happening, therefore it is necessary to share what is happening. I want to ask though, where is that line between sharing to bring awareness and sharing in hate and self-righteousness?

Only I can know what I can contribute and it is my responsibility to myself to act on what I know I can do - quietly. There can be no heroes (if we are all heroes).

Saturday, July 29, 2017

Some Kind of Magic

I feel a bunch of stuff this morning. Good stuff. Weird stuff. In the middle stuff. Is this really my life stuff. I'm not really sure why. It's my first quiet morning on my own in some time, that could be why. It's all surfacing to the top: is this what I want? Am I not missing something?

I'm missing some me things - writing and sculpting - there is just no time. I have to make time. I have five extra pounds of poop in me because I can't even find the alone time to poop. Shit is moving fast (not literally, obviously. Well, today, actually it is. My poop is, like: We're free! Open the gates!). I know, I apologize, I'm slightly obsessed with my bowel movement schedule. "Sorry."

The Greek. Sigh, where do I begin? It started in late 2014 and we are mid 2017. I am fully immersed in a relationship I could not stop. In the beginning, it was a freight train barreling towards and through me. Almost three years later, here I am. In love.

I guess I want to describe it, poke at it, look underneath it just a little bit and just today.

The sex - fucking amazing. It's like we're two unencumbered souls that are curious and intrigued about each others bodies and are freely exploring delighting one another. Unlike previous relationships I've been in, there is no... pretense? that we play along with. It is more genuine and fun and open and... unprescribed. As if we've had no teachings of how we are supposed to be in this situation, two young souls untouched by societies boundaries. I imagine that this is what sex is like for most people? People that haven't been hurt or fucked up by someone else.

I imagine that this is normal for him - but, then again, it doesn't appear that he has experienced this level of sexual exploration (lite - don't get excited) and fun as well.

I feel very free and healthy with him. I guess all my other partners weren't really keen on exploring and didn't quite have the same appetite as me. The Greek most certainly does.

I catch myself imagining a home with him, and sometimes it actually feels realistic if not unavoidable. Sometimes though, when I am catching myself, I wonder about the niggling feeling that right now I am exploring a part of me when I'm with him. I don't really feel like I am being my whole self - maybe. This is what I don't know - it's the good, weird stuff that I'm not sure of.

Some of this feels like a new me. I find myself wondering how long I can keep up with new me though. Old me was pretty lackadaisical. Old me was tired of that though and wanted adventure.

I wanted to DO THINGS. I wanted to live. I want to live. I am living.

It's not just about sex. We go for bike rides. Aimless bike rides just for fun. We roller skate (he's learning). We hang out and just touch each other. Tomorrow, we're taking a day road trip. We might take a dance class together. He puts me to sleep by rubbing my head, legs, feet. He loves to pamper me (which I am actually enjoying, this must really be love).  I look at him from across the room and feel such lovely love.  He annoys the fuck out of me at work sometimes and then I get over it. We have little spats and then I am so grateful and relieved when we put it to rest and I have him in my arms again. Like... seriously.

Today, no matter what happens, this is a gift. And that's all there really is to know.

I would just like to write down though - that we found each other and get to share this together - it seems... like some kind of magic happened somewhere in the universe.