Sunday, August 20, 2017

Heroes

There is a lot going on in the world and it's making me feel really sick. There's fear that I'm not doing something I should be doing. Fear that this rampant sharing against hate is only providing a sense of self righteousness to those that speak out on social media, which is just the opposite side of the same coin. That gives me a good serving of anxiety - more than the haters promoting hate. Because, we're the only ones that can stop it, and maybe, just maybe, we're doing it wrong.

Public shaming overall is so dirty and wrong. I don't want to be part of that.  I feel like all I can effectively do right now is exude respect with every fibre of my being to every person that I meet - including the haters (perhaps most importantly them).

And by respect for haters - I don't mean acceptance of their ideas. But a healthy dose of respect that they are humans and somebody somewhere down the line fucked them up big.

I wonder what it would look like if every person who was so vehemently against hate did that. If they just became pristinely quiet in their heads and hearts and just went about their day with the utmost respect for all things, doing the next right thing that was within their reach.

That doesn't mean that hate crimes would suddenly become legal and that we wouldn't quietly and purposefully remove dangerous people that were acting out from the general population. We would just do it as a matter of fact and need.

What if we recognized that we, as a whole, failed great masses of people and created, facilitated, contributed to,  this mental unwellness. What if we had compassion for those people. What if we, at the very least, just asked this question?

If we truly are so justified. If we truly are the higher minds... is that not what we would do?

Or do we just scream our own ideals back?

I was sadistically sexually abused as a very young child over a five year period. I don't want that to ever happen to another living anything, and I've come to a conclusion that the closest I can come to being part of the change is to recognize predators as seriously flawed humans and have compassion for their illness (as someone affected by this, I can support those that seek to truly help understand and heal this affliction. I can believe that somewhere in those that do these acts, there is shame and pain for having done so. I can believe in them - it is truly all I have).

That was a very hard and humbling conclusion to arrive at but having done so... I can see with absolute clarity that the same is true here.

I don't want to invest in condemning. I want to invest in making it stop.

I do need to point out that I am aware that we need to know what is happening, therefore it is necessary to share what is happening. I want to ask though, where is that line between sharing to bring awareness and sharing in hate and self-righteousness?

Only I can know what I can contribute and it is my responsibility to myself to act on what I know I can do - quietly. There can be no heroes (if we are all heroes).

Saturday, July 29, 2017

Some Kind of Magic

I feel a bunch of stuff this morning. Good stuff. Weird stuff. In the middle stuff. Is this really my life stuff. I'm not really sure why. It's my first quiet morning on my own in some time, that could be why. It's all surfacing to the top: is this what I want? Am I not missing something?

I'm missing some me things - writing and sculpting - there is just no time. I have to make time. I have five extra pounds of poop in me because I can't even find the alone time to poop. Shit is moving fast (not literally, obviously. Well, today, actually it is. My poop is, like: We're free! Open the gates!). I know, I apologize, I'm slightly obsessed with my bowel movement schedule. "Sorry."

The Greek. Sigh, where do I begin? It started in late 2014 and we are mid 2017. I am fully immersed in a relationship I could not stop. In the beginning, it was a freight train barreling towards and through me. Almost three years later, here I am. In love.

I guess I want to describe it, poke at it, look underneath it just a little bit and just today.

The sex - fucking amazing. It's like we're two unencumbered souls that are curious and intrigued about each others bodies and are freely exploring delighting one another. Unlike previous relationships I've been in, there is no... pretense? that we play along with. It is more genuine and fun and open and... unprescribed. As if we've had no teachings of how we are supposed to be in this situation, two young souls untouched by societies boundaries. I imagine that this is what sex is like for most people? People that haven't been hurt or fucked up by someone else.

I imagine that this is normal for him - but, then again, it doesn't appear that he has experienced this level of sexual exploration (lite - don't get excited) and fun as well.

I feel very free and healthy with him. I guess all my other partners weren't really keen on exploring and didn't quite have the same appetite as me. The Greek most certainly does.

I catch myself imagining a home with him, and sometimes it actually feels realistic if not unavoidable. Sometimes though, when I am catching myself, I wonder about the niggling feeling that right now I am exploring a part of me when I'm with him. I don't really feel like I am being my whole self - maybe. This is what I don't know - it's the good, weird stuff that I'm not sure of.

Some of this feels like a new me. I find myself wondering how long I can keep up with new me though. Old me was pretty lackadaisical. Old me was tired of that though and wanted adventure.

I wanted to DO THINGS. I wanted to live. I want to live. I am living.

It's not just about sex. We go for bike rides. Aimless bike rides just for fun. We roller skate (he's learning). We hang out and just touch each other. Tomorrow, we're taking a day road trip. We might take a dance class together. He puts me to sleep by rubbing my head, legs, feet. He loves to pamper me (which I am actually enjoying, this must really be love).  I look at him from across the room and feel such lovely love.  He annoys the fuck out of me at work sometimes and then I get over it. We have little spats and then I am so grateful and relieved when we put it to rest and I have him in my arms again. Like... seriously.

Today, no matter what happens, this is a gift. And that's all there really is to know.

I would just like to write down though - that we found each other and get to share this together - it seems... like some kind of magic happened somewhere in the universe.


Thursday, July 20, 2017

You Poop?

It's almost as if we've been living together for the last 19 days - very interesting.

I wondered what it would be like, or do to us, to spend so much time together and get to know each other more intimately - not sexy intimacy, but the boring and revealing intimacies like... you poop?

Although, on that note and just a bit of an aside: I'm sure he assumes I poop - but I've yet to do it while he's around. My wily, feminine ways just wont seem to let it happen naturally while I'm with him. Oh wait, perhaps a new milestone. brb.

Okay, so I do indeed poop. Thank Christ. That was getting to be an unhealthy lifestyle choice I appeared to have no control over. And if that was at all vague - he's in my bed, my bathroom is in my bedroom, and I just pooped (achievement unlocked)! But, I digress.

The last 19 days, where we've, for all intent and purpose, lived together and worked together, has been real good. The love has grown quietly and purposefully. We bike, roller skate, he cooks (I help a bit), we eat, we build lego cats, we watch GoT and Silicon Valley etc.

I have no idea why, when I look at him, my body just surrenders. We had one little fightish at work and we couldn't make up fast enough. I'm learning about him and he's learning about me - which brings me to last night.

In his normal routine, he stays up late and sleeps in. I sleep early and wake up early. He adopted my schedule for a few days, and last night it all caught up with him. I am learning his subtleties:

He was cranky and, apparently, thus sensitive to fucking everything and the way he goes about saying that is oddly passive aggressive:

  • I don't like this music (acoustic chill), it's like mleh blah mleh sad blah. I wanted something... happy. Do you like this music? Did I not make the conscious choice to listen to it? 
  • [After commenting that I did my nails] What kind of nail polish do you wear? It smells strong. (I can't stand how you smell right now)
  • Oh, you drank wine (you taste and smell boozey. I don't like that)
  • Someone outside (in the world somewhere) is smoking [closes front door quickly]
  • There's a giant bee in kitchen, I don't do bees. That's cool. I don't do spiders. Let me get that for you ... (?)
  • [Me taking my turn putting together our lego cat project] I just like to watch you struggle (you kinda suck, hey?)
  • [Peeks at results of intimate full bikini wax] Wow, she really did destroy your vagina. What? Ugh - look, I have a lot of 'girl' and she's completely naked right now AND I'm in an awkward position. She didn't destroy me - that's me!
  • [Me defending my vagina] Well, I mean, you've had kids and stuff, it's probably gotten loser (wizard sleeves)... WTF? No, it's ALWAYS been like this. My vagina is not an old lady! (?)
  • [Me exercising dark humour: Yeah, I'm going to get it trimmed] [Him - irrevocably repulsed] What the fuck, why would you say that? Oh my god, that's... fuck... [trying to remove imagery] ugh, don't say that [eye squinting pain face]. I feel weird now.
Getting to know you. Getting to know all about you...


So, that was fun! Not even kidding. He is an odd bird, and although I can imagine all of these endearing things, including the way he forgive me for being cute-walks sometimes, being all the reasons I would say he was "driving me CRAZY" - I hope that never happens. I hope I always adore his awkward, angular and sharp, lack of filter.

Lucky for him, I am busy for the next three days so we wont see each other. We can have a break as we ease into this "see each other a lot" thing. We can each catch up on our individual alone time: he can sleep and I can poop.


Friday, June 9, 2017

God Damn It

It's still good. Everything is still good. More than that, it's kinda amazing.

I'm leaving my children behind in this little town I brought them to and moving back to my home town. I found a place. It's small and so lovely.... . So lovely, that I'm more excited than I am sad that I am leaving my babies back in this small town (albeit, grown babies and with their father).

I should have trusted my manifesting all along... it brought to me a perfect home.

It really is about me now. Holy fuck. For however long, it is about me now:  living, loving, laughing, and probably crying from time to time. Amazing. Fucking amazing.

I can't even begin to tell you how today, just today, my whatever it is with the Greek, is... breath takingly lovely. More lovely than I could have imagined. It's blessed. It is... charmed.

I am charmed, and I love it.

If I had known that this was a possibility at this age, this time, whell.... fuck. I don't know what I would have done.

I would have raced here.

My heart is full - of blooming flowers.

Thank you, Universe. Thhhhaaaaaaannnnnkkkkkk yyyyooooouuuuuuu.

Saturday, May 20, 2017

Music

There feels like there should be a deeper meaning to the fact that it has been a month since I last wrote. But for simplicity sake, I don't think there is.

Somehow, someway, this new way of representing what we have not as a relationship but something we both encounter on a day by day basis, is humming along most beautifully.

One day at a time.

My heart smiles and my skin sings.

Thursday, April 20, 2017

Just...

Wow. We had such a lovely night last night. And an even lovelier morning. I don't even think words could do it justice. It was so simple and just, just. My heart be so full.

This morning, he was working on my orgasm, trying to find the ways. He said, "talk to me, tell me what's working, tell me what to do..."

And he said, whispered in my ear as he was making love to me, "I can feel when you get close, I can feel your body change... and then it goes away. What's that about?"

It was a lovely, quiet moment of love making. I was trying to open to it, and I said, "I don't know," and tears sprung to my eyes because he saw it, he saw me, very gently.

He saw or felt my tears and just said, "I love you..."

Fuck. me. This couldn't be more amazing and lovely... and sweet.

Other worldly; I swear to god. I love him. With all my heart.

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Sigh

I came into town last night to be ready for early meetings today, we met up for dinner at a healthy joint so that he could feed me healthy food because I'm sick.

When I walked in, his smile was lovely. He even winked, something that seems so trite yet always steals my heart.

After dinner we just walked aimlessly on a beautiful spring night. Holding hands. Not kissing, because, you know, I'm sick. And he's, you know, germs.

Once again, I have no idea who we are or where we're going, but today... I love him for free.

Also, I'm really sick and we have meetings from 8am right till 6pm, software testing. I might not make it.

In other news: I've found RedBull