Wednesday, November 15, 2017

Like the Wind

Feelin' some stuff, not sure what it is. The Greek - what is happening? He seems to be... unravelling? Or, the veil I had over my own eyes is unravelling? Am I seeing what I was willing to overlook before? Perhaps a mix of the two - I saw hints of it because he didn't show it as much, but now he is relaxing more and showing more of that side of himself and I'm not as willing to see past it.

He's a bit of a moody, insolent child at times. I simply don't invite that into my daily life, I don't invite that behaviour to my parties, ya know? And if it shows up at my party, I generally end up saying, "Sorry, not sure how you got here, but you're going to have to leave...this party is for adults," as nicely and respectfully as I can - of course.

The result of all this him letting his child run rampant at my life party being:  I dreamt long of my husband and his grown-up-ness, and wished I could sneak back to that life.

I mean, do I really want to be back with him again?  I can't imagine sex with him now, I'm just not there. But, I love him, always have that was never an issue. He was/is my like-mind soulmate - we just lost real life, alive, connected connection. We killed it with his addiction and subsequent methadone.

I miss him though. I miss him a lot.

Alas, I'm on my own here and I'm good with that for the most part. In fact, saying that statement feels absolutely perfect in my heart and soul. Who knows what happens with the Greek from here, maybe it's just a phase. Maybe it's not. Maybe he will not understand how to be a emotionally responsible man in a relationship with a emotionally responsible woman.

Either way,  I feel good. A little sad, perhaps, but much better for having said all this and gotten it out of my head.

Friday, November 10, 2017

New Day

It's a friend's birthday. He passed away some years ago now - stupid accidental OD - I like to think he makes a visit to me on this day. Maybe he's around. If you are... Hi :)

It's my bday on Sunday. I got my period yesterday after 41 days of not having it, because I'm peri-menopausal and this shit is now random. I feel absolutely fantastic and super fucked up with a headache, nausea, and mood swingy af. But, it's okay because it has that feeling of being slammed down in a "you are now instantly grounded" Oprah voice kinda way. Welcome back to, Earth!

My inner asshole is FREE and expressive, which is kinda nice. I'm enjoying that. It happens so rarely. It's a little scary though, I think I can be horribly scary as an asshole.

I took today off work. I bought some hideous and cool, unflattering sweat pants, that fit everywhere accept for being 5 sizes too small around the waist (thanks Urban Planet), and am loving being home in them. Best bday gift ever (except, of course, for the loosing of circulation around my waist. Self inflicted pain seems fitting though).

I'm going to clean my house, finally put all my clothes away, and then drive up island to hang with my one friend and my kids. Fingers crossed my expectations aren't too high and I don't end up by myself on Friday night in a hostel, that would be weird.

I've got to clean up my manifesting - open all my doors and windows for a swell of great energy this weekend. I'm gearing up for a - regardless of any other thing that may or may not happen - day of celebrated aloneness wherein I rely on  the simple joy of Bridget Jones 1&2, pizza & coke (maybe sushi) , and Purdy's chocolate (or Häagen-Dazs vanilla almond) to ring in my 47th year on Sunday.

47 fucking years. Haha. I'm reaching those age bands where, as a young punk, when I heard someone died at this age I was like, "we'll they lived a long life."

Hahahahah.

Oh, and, yeah, the Greek and I are still a thing. Maybe that will change now that he's met my PMS monster.

I have a lot of good feelings about him and I, but I'm in no condition to speak of them. Because, fuck him. Right? For no apparent reason, fuck him. I'm kidding, of course. ? No, really I am. He just can't win anything with me right now. I will either:

  • cry because he's going to leave me because I'm crazy for the next 4 days
  • look at him with absolute disdain because he's not funny
  • accuse him of "looking at me like that."
  • need him to pet me non stop
  • get mad at him for patronizing me

or all of these in a span of 10 minutes, so it's probably better he stays far away.

Oh great, I just messaged him (with the intention of being nice and checking in) on the one app where I can see if he's a) read my message and b) read it and is not responding.... I could have just texted him and never known the difference.

shit. pray for him.



Thursday, September 14, 2017

Sweet Calm

Not sure why I'm feeling so - naked - so to speak. Vulnerable I suppose is a better word, but vulnerable because I feel naked. My usual barriers not in place.

The Greek pal didn't want to not talk to me while he was away and asked what I needed to feel comfortable with it all. I said I needed him to not sleep with other women. So, if that was an important part of this trip for him, then just let me go while he's away.

He said it was not important and he would much rather be in touch with me than leave that as an open opportunity. So, that's good.

Obviously, I don't trust that 100%, but... I trust it enough to enjoy his trip with him.

Work is fine. Sometimes I'm not busy enough and that leaves me feeling yucky somehow. We have a big production going on for the next few days and it will be busy - that doesn't seem to fix things.

I miss him. I feel a bit sad about that.

I have to/want to stop smoking so that I don't have to deal with this double life bullshit when he comes back. I guess I feel a bit off about that as well.

I'm afraid that when he comes back, the intensity will be exhausting. So, I need to clean my soul...

Open myself to change and letting go (smoking)
Ask to see the gentle quiet in us
Look to sweet calm
Show me the light in the day.

I surrender.

Friday, September 8, 2017

Schrödinger's Cat (sort of, I guess)

Come on... seriously. He's boldly (or honestly) stated that he will probably have sex with someone(s) while he's there. We even talked about it before he left.

Yesterday, I exactly told him that if that was the case, I didn't really want to continue chatting everyday because every day I see his face, I'm imagining him with someone. Or, right after he messages me, I imagine he picks up with some girl and I see them in my minds eye having sex... great.

I would rather just not be together while he's there ie. don't talk like we're something while he's fucking other women.

I don't think he got it. He said, look I promise you I will be consistent in my messages and you will never be able to tell from my behaviour if I did or didn't.

Ummm, no. That just means EVERY TIME I talk to you, it's safe to assume you just were or are just about to be with someone. No. No, no, and... no.

If I don't talk to him while he's there, then he's in a box that I don't open. He's him and I'm me. We are separate. I don't have to know either way. I can assume he did or will at some point without feeling he did or imagining he did every.fucking.time I talk to him.


Thursday, September 7, 2017

:|

Okay, so, it's starting to hit me. His absence. It's funny ish.

He's on his own now on one of the Greek Islands bound to be full of other travellers. Women travellers. He's going to meet them, he flows better with the ladies. He's going to hang out with them.

I believe he's rented a scooter, which looks like a blast, but my gut sees him touring the island with a couple of lovely girls, ladies, women and, you know, connecting.

My mind saw him having carefree sex with one of them. I almost vomited.

This almost violent fear of loss struck me (and then my phone lit up with a message from him, a photo (of which I enlarged to see who I could see in the reflection of his sunglasses... oi) ).

That comfort zone of having him with me all the time, exhausting me sexually and otherwise - leading me to think I would be okay without him because you know, I need some space - is suddenly gone.

My heart breaks at the unwelcome daydream of him pleasuring some other woman.

He means a lot to me.

That's scary.

A part of me wanted to message him right then and there and tell him to stop messaging me as of today, because it is going to break my heart when, suddenly, his daily messages dry up because he is otherwise engaged with whoever she turns out to be.

sad face.

Also... I think I see a trend




Monday, September 4, 2017

meH :| !


everything is bullshit. fucking stories stuck in my something that doesn't exist. bull shit.


Friday, August 25, 2017

Charmed

He was playing one of his disco songs and signing, in only that way that he can, the lyrics to me. Poorly mouthing them because he doesn't really know all the words, but he doesn't care. He gets to the one line that was his intention to point out to me, "a love so deep..."

I can't remember the song, but that doesn't matter. I was surprised that that was the line he wanted to emphasize in his poor lip syncing.

I still can't explain to myself why it is I feel so connected to him. When those moments happen, when he sings disco songs at me, I wonder at it, because if it was anyone else I would be, "okay, buddy... " but he just makes me smile. Somehow, I know him differently and his corny ways delight me.

And that he also feels that we have a love so deep... touches me.

I'm here, we're in the same city, we spend a lot of time together, and I only love him more. So, I guess that answers that question.

He's going away for 5 weeks. He's going to Greece. I'll probably be back here a lot during that time lamenting on all the ways my life feels naked and how my body is missing its magnet - that thing I have been inexplicably drawn to for the past 3 years.