My time here in Mexico, writing for writing sake - because I feel a few things that I want to put words to. My travel companions, my best friend and her husband, they fight... Not a lot but enough. They bicker like brother and sister and then it escalates, and the foundation of it seems so toxic to me. I don't do toxic in my life so it's a weird thing to be around, it hurts my soul. I want to go home and clean myself of it, spend time alone and just hug myself. Of course, just being away from home makes me feel that too. Because I am a homebody, I love my home and my space. I love being alone.
Going home, however, I am going home to my partner who misses me and will want to have sex. I don't want to have sex, I do not feel sexy.
My focus coming here was to relax and do some chill work on myself which I feel like I was able to. It was also, hopefully, to reevaluate my job and how I'm doing it. I kinda did that, but... I think it's a bigger mountain than a week in a busy tourist town.
My soul still feels like it hurts a bit. It's tired. I don't want to live like that anymore.
I got some good time writing my book, that was nice. I can see how having dedicated time to focusing on just that would go a long way in getting it done. My mind is so cluttered. My heart so pulled.
I do look forward to seeing my partner though, his clean spirit and positive energy. Also, I would like him to just lay with me - and maybe, as much as I hate to admit it, I could just cry about everything that hurts:
My mothers Alzheimers
Half parenting my niece
Missing a day to day life with my kids
The disorganization of my work
The under resourced, over worked state of my job, my project
Missing something sweet
to which I would like the following, in order
Grace and time to say good bye with all of my heart
Bring her to a home where she will flourish
Be in close proximity spiritually and physically
Reinvent (elevate) my job and allow space to write the fucking book
Enjoy something sweet again
