Funny enough, it first struck right around the time the Greek and I were returning from a lovely day of reconnecting quiet time + dinner. He was driving home and unleashed a surprisingly emphatic (and hidden behind closed windows), "thanks for turning on your signal BITCH" to a woman at a four way stop. It was the bitch part that got me - and then that connected to his seemingly mild behaviour at the restaurant where the waitress - as is her job - came to our table for payment an asked the innocuous question of "any plans for the weekend?" It interrupted a conversation that couldn't continue in her presence so, it was that awkward silence, but that seemed normal enough. But after she took his payment, her eyes just said, fuck you - you arrogant prick.
She picked up on something he was doing (like being incensed that she interrupted us. Seriously 👀?), something I wouldn't see until the four way stop, that he was being a total ass.
So, yeah, that kind of behaviour just really turns me off. I looked at him with a bit of a laugh and wtf dude after the four way and he was like, What? I was just being like Ricky Gervase in After Life. Gervaise' new Netflix series where, because his wife has died, he gets to be a despondent bleak realist that tells everyone exactly what he's feeling about their stupid behaviour -
the difference being that Gervaise is doing it to people that are actually being idiots AND he does it intelligently and casually, without an arrogant type of anger.
It was as if the Greek took that show as permission that it was totally fine, good in fact, to shed ones inside intolerance of the world on whimsy.
Obviously, he hadn't stuck around long enough to watch the end of the series where Gervaise' character learns that it's not actually cool to be an ass, he only watched the parts where Gervaise makes being an ass look like the coolest thing ever.
I have no idea if these things were even lightly connected, it just seemed entirely probable that they were. Either way, my inside self placed that buffer wall to him, the one where I'm like, "ew, dude, that was gross, wtf?" but I wasn't angry.
This morning though, I am as I said, Nu-uh, and it feels pretty intense.
I also have no idea if I just woke up and am tired and grumpy or if there is a direct correlation to his shit yesterday. What I do know is that I feel very indifferent to him right now, and my internal reaction feels disproportionate to the acts, which brings me here. I don't like this feeling and I don't want it. I would like to write it out of me. So, other things of note:
✅I'm still writing: I'm making use of the strange morning hours I keep and putting words to the page. It's going really well, and I'm happy with the work I'm doing.
✅Work is insane in a good way: shit is happening, the things I imagineered are taking shape and it's fucking beautiful. I am challenged in good ways and rising to each challenge. It does, however, feel equivalent to training for free soloing El Capitan, and my brain-body is exhausted at the end of a day. My shitty arrogant men issues seem to be repairing themselves with the introduction of better management.
I'm tired and I should be. Monday - Friday looks like:
5-7am, creative writing
get ready for work, walk to work (30 mins: listen to a podcast or imagine the story/book)
9-4:30pm, be a product owner and herd
4:30-9pm, walk home (30 mins: podcast or story thoughts again), figure out what to feed
✅I'm sculpting: I have a piece I am working on and I am getting time to it. It stretches me thin on the weekends, but it's good.
✅✖ Love: I have it and I give it, but we are both busy so it can be hit and miss. Most of the time it feels proportionate to what I am looking for in my life and when I check in with him, he reports the same. He gets to play board games, sports, chill with friends and then crawls into a warm bed with me. I get to do all of my aforementioned things and he doesn't take up my personal space and then he makes my body and heart feel loved when he crawls into bed. Sometimes though, he really (super) annoys me.
✖ I'm not working out: this is a problem. My muscles are tight and sore, my butt/body is soft and... lack lustre (I want lustre). I need to fit in massage and acupuncture to fix stressed, tight, pinched muscles.
✖ I don't see my youngest daughter nearly as much: this is because I have my niece and planning weekends away gets more complicated. This wears heavy on my heart and spirit over time.
✖ The Greek and the Niece: he is not kid ready or friendly, he does not get it nor does he care to, nor should he have to. There is a general malaise between them, they agree to disagree on who is the better person between the two - and to be honest, they're both equally lovely and assholes. Yeah, that's me in the middle.
✖ Having my niece: I just don't like having parental duties again. I would like my sister to get her shit together.
✖ ✅My sister: Maybe she's getting her shit together? Conversations have been better? My fingers are crossed, my prayers are plenty.
So, 3 really big ✅'s but 4 niggly ✖'s and two in the middle. That's where I'm at.
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| So... where to go from here? |
I feel overwhelmed. Part of my solution includes forcing exercise into an already packed day. I need some help.
I'm going to manifest some balance and working a few less hours a week and at least working from home one day a week. I'll do 9am classes at the Y and work 10 to 6ish on those days. I'm doing good work, I think they want me to take care of myself and create balance.
I'm due for a raise, I'm going to manifest an amount that leaves me a generous amount of savings so that I can travel about with ease. Again, I'm doing good work, I believe they see that and want to compensate it fairly.
I am going to continue to prioritize writing this book and put the best of my intelligence and creativity to it.
And then I'm going to rest. I am going to let this feeling find its way out and just rest. Tomorrow is a new day.
Special thanks to bitmoji for providing visuals for my posts and getting me closer to the small fantasy of creating a comic strip 😛.
