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| Don't think, Meat |
Always, my mind is puzzling. This piece goes here, what if I put this one here and that one there. No, that didn't work, what if we move these over here, does that fit? No, try again. No, try again. No, try again.
I want to go and get a card reading. I want her to tell me if this going to stop or not. Do I have to make a decision to lose my life and relationship as I know it? Is that the right thing to do? What is the right thing to do? Is the right thing to do to stand up for what I believe could/should be? Same puzzle, different elevation or perspective.
I can feel the answer - the right answer for me - and it's let go. Let go of the puzzle, let go of the responsibility, all will be okay. And that's what I'm going to do, because
- I'm living my sister's insanity
- I'm losing capacity of heart, soul, and mind
- I need quiet
I feel so raw and ripped. I know that my sister has capacity, but I also know that she's very sick in her soul. I care for her but what I am doing is not helping her. The sickest part of her is using me, I am a safety net. But also, I think she needs one. But it can't be me.
I have to let her and her life situation go. I have to let her daughter blow about in the wild and hope she lands softly. I will have to look her daughter, my niece, in the eye one day and say, "Yes, I let go." Which also sounds like, "I gave up on you" to me. Even though, I didn't give up, her mom did, but we all knew that had happened, so I, a responsible adult, gave up again. First her mother, then her father, then ... me - the one that could have done it for forever said, "But I don't wanna."
I've started again, I'm working the puzzle. This isn't why I wanted to write here today. I wanted to write because I've spent all of my time lately on working things and not me. I have no quiet in my brain, heart, and soul.
I'm going to need some good medicine once this is over, I'm going to need to piece myself together again. This habit, the muscle, of problem solving has become too big and I need to rest it. How can I start that now?
I need structure. I need to be alone first and to then to be able to decide when I'm ready to spend time with people, to give that part of myself that I have over-given to my sister and her life. I need to protect me.
Meditation seems like it would be a good first step but a lofty one for me right now.
- Counselling, someone who can help me with largest puzzle pieces, me.
- Working from home at least one day a week, Wednesdays
- Eventually, find a community, people I truly connect with, outside of just me.
- Connect to a slow and positive forward existence of happiness
I suppose I will have to, might have to, learn to forgive myself for the way in which I choose to play a role in my niece's life.
The first step in all of this seems to be the need to shut off, or turn down, my connection to thought and processing. So the hardest thing on that list (that I didn't include in the actual list...) , meditation, seems to be the one I might want to prioritize. Thinking then feeling, thinking then feeling, over and over again. It's madness.
I think I can likely achieve some of that goal in practicing a quiet mind on my own, I can manifest a peaceful mind and a charmed life. An existence I have because I created it through doing the good work and trusting in a power greater than myself. To move within the circle of the g.o.d. we all share, and to stay within the energy that that g.o.d. creates. See that and move, one step at a time, back to it.
Experience and return fun and joy into the world by all means possible.
Know my strengths. Protect and serve them
Know my weaknesses.
Surrender
Don't think, Meat.
