Who knows what will happen, probably nothing, but this feels like a weird juncture.
By this I mean - maybe the Greek will come back and tell me he doesn't want to be together anymore, that he wants his own place. It's really not clear to me if I think that because it's what I want to have happen or what I intuit is happening.
He's still at odds with his job, where we work together, and this odds had been made worse by a recent new management hire. There are similarities between the two of them, one of which being their charisma - they each have it albeit very differently. The Greeks charisma, while more authentic in nature, is being squashed by the new guy. And, the new guy is cracking the whip of lax production. So stealing my Greek's spotlight and cushy job.
We've had "big" talks about this at least once a year, talks where I end up telling him my truth which is, "look, we can all see you've been getting away with a lot of free work time. You have to pick up the pace. If you don't like it, you can quit" and today I added, "you should probably quit."
I don't know. I had to get that off my chest. It was a piss or get off the pot moment and I feel like me speaking my truth, a truth I know he see's the honesty of, has fractured me for him.
I've always been on about how I'm not entirely my true self with him. I see the vision of me that he sees and I try and keep it up. Maybe that's true of everyone.
He talks about how people are too PC to handle his level of candid honesty and communication and that the world should toughen up but by the same token, I don't think he appreciated my version of that very type of communication. And in the end I find that I don't care how he feels about it. It is the truth and it felt good to speak it. If it breaks us, then so be it. I don't want to spend energy holding up false truths -
which, if I am to be honest -
his false truth will be that he really doesn't like living with me with my niece. A truth that he will, by the end of this day, undoubtedly come to.
And if we're going to take down false walls, then let's take them all down, right? What can I say to that? Other than, true story brah.
I'm stuck at my juncture: my job, my niece. I've manifested this job to give me a platform to write my book - it's exactly what I've worked all my life for. New glitzy manager guy is not stealing anything from me and I don't want to give up what will help me achieve my end game: be a happy, well paid writer (I added happy because... be careful what you wish for). And my niece, well that's a matter of time and I'm doing the best I can. I'm content being stuck here for now, I'm working my plan.
I see this job is changing and I don't think I'm up for where it's going - but I have time. I have a goal. He doesn't have the same focus and he'll understand that he needs to make some changes to understand what his focus and goal is.
It's not that I want this to be over - it's just that I don't want to hang in some weird balance if that is the case. Just rip the bandaid. Being constantly prepared for the shelf life of my appearance to run out is a little exhausting.
It's the first rainy day of the summer and there is a charge in the air. I feel it. It feels real. And real feels like such a relief.
