Update: It was the progesterone, it filled me with a gale wind of anger. Everyone was in my way.
I fucking hated every cell that lived. And the dead were too pious for me as well.
Glad that's over.
For a while, it was fine, nice even. But, now it's getting to the point where I feel like I have to update him on my schedule so that he can join me. I need to consider him in my schedule, so that he can join me.
Oh, and BIG news here, my niece has gone back with her dad. I am no longer a full time mom/auntie and I'm finding that, in my rejoicing, I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT ANYONE ELSE WITHIN MY SCHEDULE.
I told him this just before Christmas. I told him that, while we're both so excited, it would be about us. First, it had to be about me. Me letting my brain relax and just living my life like a solo person BECAUSE I CAN.
I told him I wanted to pick up my routine (only broken for about 3 weeks) of being back on my bike and going to the gym - and hitting a 6:45am gym time when ever I felt like it - at a whim - because NOW I CAN.
I'm a fly by the seat of my pants girl often. I may or may not go to the gym. I may book for 6 and then change my mind for 8. I DO NOT want to feel like I need to update my partner with each change I make AND tell him WHY!!!!!!
Something has happened where he must be up in my business more than usual. It seems to me like I would ask him some things? Maybe? I don't know if I do question everything. He makes plans and I say "cool, that sounds like fun." He changes his plans with friends and I say "Oh bummer"? Or do I ask, "oh that's too bad, why?"
If at lunch time he says, "I'm going to go to [a shop]" do I reply, "why are you going there?" Because he does that to me and lately I find myself saying this like "because I want to?"
It feels as though he questions everything I do so that he can ... help me optimize my plans. "Well, I was just wondering if you wanted me to do it for you? I could go to that store and pick that up for you and you can relax" he smiles helpfully.
Which then puts me in the position of asking him to do something for me before I decide to do it because he's going to jump in front of me every time I go to do something and offer to do it for me. So let's just save time and I'll just sit and he can do every thing - because that will go well over time.
And he doesn't see his behaviour. He lacks perspective and insight a lot of the time. His emotional intelligence seems lazy sometimes, as if he depends on "I'm just a happy puppy" approach to cover up his lack of mature presence.
When I had my niece, I was more stressed. Work was a lot of little and big things and then there was my niece on top of that and he wanted to help. So he tried to take the 'little life things' off my plate and that was nice and thoughtful.
Now though, I feel as though I've told him - "you can step back now, let me do me" and he's having a hard time switching gears I guess. I've told him I need space to adjust back into my life, and he feels as though I'm leaving him. I've told him I don't want to take care of somebody right now, and he feels lonlier than he did when she was here - when he was so excited to have "us" back.
I don't know what to tell him. I just want some time and space to collect myself after a year of my niece and my sister blowing up my life. That seems super reasonable to me. It's not like I'm ignoring him AT ALL. I just don't want to be Siamese happy puppy dogs twins. I CANNOT do that.
Give me some space to adjust back into my life, my routine. I want to get back into the gym, I'd like to do yoga, I want to have time to think, visit friends, focus on my health and strength. I'll see you at work and I'll see you at home. We'll do date nights and movies, but in between.... I just want to think for myself
