Day 9

 From Paris, to Barcelona, to Madrid, and now Granada, all in nine days. I have two more days in Spain and then we’re off to Portugal for four days, and then I fly over to Greece for another five days. It should be hotter there, which will be welcome

Being on “vacation” is such a busy thing. So this is not a vacation, it’s a trip. These are different things.

There’s not a lot of time to think and reflect on a trip, it’s just hustle, bustle, with a combo of intense alert and then relief when you’re at your bnb. Hopefully, now that we’re in smaller towns, this will relax. The big cities were… big. 

So what do I think? I talked with my daughter, who is house/niece sitting, and she said, “you have a hard life” referring mostly to my niece. I do have a hard life and I suppose I make it look easy. Stressful work all day and compartmentalizing my nieces well being (or lack there of). After years of  service for my family, I have grown a muscle that doesn’t even question “the load” I carry. That’s the same for all/most mothers (and/or full time, hands-on parents). That’s life and I’m grateful for it.

I can’t wait to see my friend-in-life in Greece. He feels like home and that makes me question things too. I think it’s been good that we stopped living together, certainly with adding my niece into the mix, but I’m starting to see a bit more clearly how he fits into my life. 

I do find myself longing for a romantic type of relationship - and that is not him and I at this point - but I am questioning what that means now as I long to just be comfortable with him. Him who I can be myself with. I just want to see him and hug him. 

When I return, nothing will have changed.  I will be walking into the same chaos, sitting on my couch at night, knitting my way back to calm. That’s not such a bad thing, I think? 

What would I like? I would like build my own software, own my work more, and make a good living with people that I love. Set the pace of the work to something gentle, creative, and helpful. 

Not At Work

 This morning has me waking up in Madrid. I’m travelling with one of my oldest friends. We’ve never travelled together before and I think we’re pretty good as of eight day. We have six days left and 3 more places: Granada, Seville, and Lisbon. Our feet are killing us, we’ve walked an average of 10k every day, which is solid but not shocking. We walk, we see, we stop to eat/drink and then walk some more. 

The weirdness of not being home and being with someone you don’t spend a a lot of time with day to day is setting in. I find myself wondering if her tone is showing her annoyance with me. The kind of annoyed that I think people get and I don’t care, because it’s them that is annoyed, not me. And I think my not caring about who I am makes it more annoying. 

I mean, I can see/feel their annoying things too, but I don’t say snarky things. But some people need to express their shit in this way. It’s taken me a very long time to understand that it’s not a me thing. 

What I need to remind myself of most of all is not letting this bring me down for one second, because I’m on vacation - I need this vacation. I need to embrace everyday that I am not working 

I’m so glad to not be working, it’s become such a tense environment when it doesn’t need to be. Our VP of tech is driving me the most nuts. Again (as in, yet another leader that doesn’t understand), he doesn’t understand the platform well and he consistently calls it a piece of shit. There is a reason our platform was selected as the main system, because it’s got the best foundation and logic, but he can’t see this. AND he actually cites how the other systems are better than ours. Ugh. 

And then we have the new “product advisor” from the investor side and he’s positive as shit about how “exciting this is” and it is. He’s not wrong. But he’s also in a bubble with the VP and I can’t tell how impactful this may or may not be. 

Furthermore, I don’t feel I’m showing up as a “leader” like I should be? But I also don’t want this, not in the way that it’s unfolding right now. I want a good product that our customers can use effortlessly. So, I know what rooms I need to be in. I need to be building this team - and apparently get overlooked in the process - maybe? I just don’t know how to be a person that advocates for recognition. But I also think there is a better way to do it then forcing myself in the rooms of men where I haven’t been invited exactly. 

I hope that my friend and I can actually build something. I had a good idea that I shared before the vacation, I hope she’s excited enough about it to look into it more while I’m gone. How wonderful would it be for both of us to be back in product together, her with the business acumen and me with the product and people skills, both of us doing what we enjoy and having security and a voice.  What a marvellous future for us both.  

I wonder what today will bring for my friend and I.  I think we’re both getting tired. I hope it’s smooth and lovely. I want to push the energy around to make room for smooth and lovely. 

I also look forward to meeting up with my other dearest friend in six days. There I will feel at home with him. There we will be at home in Greece. 

Feel the fear and do it anyways

 I feel fear. If I'm to stay out of my mind and focus on what's going on in my body, I'm afraid. 

I'm afraid of the bubble I'm currently in bursting and I'm afraid it wont burst. 

I'm afraid of not feeling content with my life situation or my life. I'm afraid I will never be able to experience generalized joy. That I will only maintain generalized anxiety. 

I'm afraid this feeling of fear will never go away. That I will always feel like I'm under achieving to my responsibilities of being a mother, an aunt, an employee, a person, a citizen, and a friend.

I think this writing is not to figure out the why of this, but just to be honest with myself that these are my feelings (thoughts?).

I am afraid.