If all goes well, my niece and I will no longer live together as of next Saturday. Even if all doesn't go well for next Saturday, my niece and I will very soon no longer live together as of the end of April. I am moving. I... bought a house.
I am moving the needle forward, as I always - no matter how tough it seems to get - do.
I bought a house by myself. I got the job that gave me shares. I got the job that eventually paid me enough to allow me to pay off living expenses and save at the same time. I saved. I bought a house all by my god damn self (ish).
My former partner in marriage/family, who I spent 18 years, raised children with, and bought a house with, did help out when one of my rrsps was un useable for home buyers plan. He cut me in to some of the profits of the house that I left behind me when I left him over ten years ago. He did it with honour. It was a healthy sum that made sure this could happen. It was the sum I had in my rrsp. It was less than I would have gotten if we'd done this through the courts, but it was also all I needed.
I/We cultivated respect all these years. We get to reap the rewards of being good to each other. Our children will inherit this piece of mind and carry goodness within them. The art of being real and honest with yourself and your loved ones; it's not the easy road a lot of the time, but it's the road to internal prosperity.
In twenty-eight days, I will be alone. I will be able to hear my own heart beat. What I want is for quiet, manageable, peace. I don't want to break down. I don't want to suffer loneliness. I want to assemble. I want to come into myself, gently and fully.
I don't want to have big expectations that wont be met. I just want to be.
I hope that I sculpt more. I hope that I garden. I hope that I have fun being a home decorator. I hope that I will do all those things with simple intentions and for quiet joy. I hope I do them just to hear my heart beat in those moments. Not because then I will be happy, but because doing them in that moment makes me happy. The results wont sustain me, but maybe I'll sigh contentedly when I make my coffee.
Maybe I'll experience bliss when I swing in my hammock. Maybe I'll relish in rebellion when I bath naked in my outdoor heated bathtub. Maybe I'll make a secret oasis that feeds my soul one day at a time.
Maybe.
