Sweet Calm

Not sure why I'm feeling so - naked - so to speak. Vulnerable I suppose is a better word, but vulnerable because I feel naked. My usual barriers not in place.

The Greek pal didn't want to not talk to me while he was away and asked what I needed to feel comfortable with it all. I said I needed him to not sleep with other women. So, if that was an important part of this trip for him, then just let me go while he's away.

He said it was not important and he would much rather be in touch with me than leave that as an open opportunity. So, that's good.

Obviously, I don't trust that 100%, but... I trust it enough to enjoy his trip with him.

Work is fine. Sometimes I'm not busy enough and that leaves me feeling yucky somehow. We have a big production going on for the next few days and it will be busy - that doesn't seem to fix things.

I miss him. I feel a bit sad about that.

I have to/want to stop smoking so that I don't have to deal with this double life bullshit when he comes back. I guess I feel a bit off about that as well.

I'm afraid that when he comes back, the intensity will be exhausting. So, I need to clean my soul...

Open myself to change and letting go (smoking)
Ask to see the gentle quiet in us
Look to sweet calm
Show me the light in the day.

I surrender.

Schrödinger's Cat (sort of, I guess)

Come on... seriously. He's boldly (or honestly) stated that he will probably have sex with someone(s) while he's there. We even talked about it before he left.

Yesterday, I exactly told him that if that was the case, I didn't really want to continue chatting everyday because every day I see his face, I'm imagining him with someone. Or, right after he messages me, I imagine he picks up with some girl and I see them in my minds eye having sex... great.

I would rather just not be together while he's there ie. don't talk like we're something while he's fucking other women.

I don't think he got it. He said, look I promise you I will be consistent in my messages and you will never be able to tell from my behaviour if I did or didn't.

Ummm, no. That just means EVERY TIME I talk to you, it's safe to assume you just were or are just about to be with someone. No. No, no, and... no.

If I don't talk to him while he's there, then he's in a box that I don't open. He's him and I'm me. We are separate. I don't have to know either way. I can assume he did or will at some point without feeling he did or imagining he did every.fucking.time I talk to him.

:|

Okay, so, it's starting to hit me. His absence. It's funny ish.

He's on his own now on one of the Greek Islands bound to be full of other travellers. Women travellers. He's going to meet them, he flows better with the ladies. He's going to hang out with them.

I believe he's rented a scooter, which looks like a blast, but my gut sees him touring the island with a couple of lovely girls, ladies, women and, you know, connecting.

My mind saw him having carefree sex with one of them. I almost vomited.

This almost violent fear of loss struck me (and then my phone lit up with a message from him, a photo (of which I enlarged to see who I could see in the reflection of his sunglasses... oi) ).

That comfort zone of having him with me all the time, exhausting me sexually and otherwise - leading me to think I would be okay without him because you know, I need some space - is suddenly gone.

My heart breaks at the unwelcome daydream of him pleasuring some other woman.

He means a lot to me.

That's scary.

A part of me wanted to message him right then and there and tell him to stop messaging me as of today, because it is going to break my heart when, suddenly, his daily messages dry up because he is otherwise engaged with whoever she turns out to be.

sad face.

Also... I think I see a trend

meH :| !

everything is bullshit. fucking stories stuck in my something that doesn't exist. bull shit.