Trust is Hard

Yesterday was odd for me. I have that thing that pops up for me that leaves me unable to have sex - it makes me feel unworthy. And then my age creeped up, because I just had a soft lift procedure - because I have to? I don't have to, obviously and I would have regardless of my relationship status to someone much younger than me. I would have enjoyed it more not being in this relationship. Having done it now somehow made me feel like I did it for that -when I know beyond a shadow of a doubt I didn't.

It just made me think... how long will I be chasing this more than if I wasn't with him? Clearly, he doesn't really care, he fell for me as is. But I will want to be my best best self.

Anyways, the combination of those two things, chasing youth and being inflicted by something that makes me unavailable sexually left me feeling emotionally exhausted. If I could have just had sex normally this evening, I don't think I would have felt so bleh.

Like I'm chasing someone I wont be able to keep up with or live up to. That he wont or doesn't love me enough. Or be like being with someone who was at the same life experience, wisdom, and understanding of life as me. I suppose I still feel this way today.

Ever since he has surrendered to us, the roles have reversed. More and more, I am feeling the way he was in the beginning: we shouldn't do this because I'm going to get hurt. I am becoming more vulnerable.

Could I stop though? I can't imagine what that would look like. I only get so far as walking into the office and seeing him and feeling the I can't have him feeling. I don't want that.

Something sweet, that is the surrender. Love, pure and simple. Passion, pure and urgent.

We're here, For better or for worse... we're here. I will have to return to trust and acceptance.

All else is insanity.