Looking at Discontent

I really just shouldn't, I shouldn't stare at my discontent. If I do, it's the only thing I'll see, and while it does exist it is certainly not the only thing, right? I can admit that discontent exists and trust that I will move past it.

If I only stare at all that junk and garbage that I have left on my living room chair, that for some reason seems like such a chore to deal with, and shame myself for being a... a what, I don't know. A lazy, dirty person perhaps? Then I will only see that reflection in the mirror.

If I only look at the parts of my relationship that make me feel trapped and lonely, it will be the only reflection of my life I will see.

If I think I am trapped, I will feel trapped.

I don't think I'm trapped. I think I have previous experience that leads me to see a relationship as a marriage, but mine does not have to be that. I only need to live the life I want, my inner emotional eco-system, and it will be. My partner could be my lover.

I need to kneel to my inner most desire, take a deep breath, and follow that path, trusting the unknown.

Maybe the stuff on the chair just represents to me the other things I'm not doing, the things that I really want to allow to come to fruition.

Woman of Arrival

I'm listening to a "morning chill" Spotify playlist. It's got that easy listening FM for over 30 vibe. It's got all those songs that you romantically cling to in those early relationship times, the ones where, as they play, everywhere you look love inspires and butterflies abound.

It's taking me back to those days where, separated by miles from my new crush, my new love, my heart swelled and swooned at the thought of him.

Now, he's in the next room.

Long gone is the lustre, and I now romanticize being a spinster; being one of the the most logical people I know, this interests me.

Do I really want to be a spinster?

Yes, right now I do.

I love the person I live with. He is very kind, responsible, funny, sexy, energetic, he's intelligent. I also know that being alone is lonely - and I don't love or fair super well alone with my brain, or do I? I don't know really.

It just feels like I chew through relationships and that, maybe, I am a "man eater" ?

For some time now, I have imagined myself as a "woman of arrival" who is content, independent, and is never want for the company of a faithful and kind lover. They just don't live with me.

I have my own witch like den and I only take distractions as and when I want them.

Indeed. This is absolutely where I see myself. A kind, self-possessed, generous, magical, contented, beautiful woman of a certain age and agelessness.

I feel resigned, patient, happy, and sad all together.

I don't really know where to go with all this. It feels a little shut up and wait.

Ya, So...

After writing yesterdays post and just feeling sad in general, my partner awoke to my somber, reflective mood and asked, "What's up?"

I told him, "Nothing really, I'm just... sad."

He came and sat beside me, his arm gently around me, and asked some gently probing questions until I said, with tears, "I think it's work."

Facing all those permutations of numbers and functions disguised as words and needs, validating those needs and words against existing uses, protecting it from... who? Too many, too much. So complex, it's like rubbing two sticks together for two years and - finally and again - getting smoke.

I'm disappointed that I'm burnt out. I wanted to be stronger, the strongest.

It's a Deep Breath Kind of Morning

I don't know why, but it is. Dear Diary...

This morning I will just pray and send gratitude out into the spirit energy layer. Pray that I can stay on that layer today.

Work is work. It's tough, but I feel like I know it's important to persevere.

It's important to love myself as I am.

Also, I feel like my relationship will wrap up within the year. I could be wrong, but I can see it on the horizon. I don't know if it will be me or him that will end it. It might have to be me.

It seems so clear to me that he needs to move into a new challenge in his life, but he's not quite ready to admit it. I think he's afraid of giving up what we have become, but there are ways in which he will always have me and still be happy, happier even perhaps.

I find myself dreaming of being comfortable alone. At peace. At oneness. I should be careful what I wish for, but the key word there is being comfortable. It certainly doesn't mean I wouldn't have a life.

But I dream of it like I used to dream of leaving my marriage and falling in love. And I still want that love, too. I just want to move into the next stage, the stage of graceful independence and a beautiful joy that penetrates all that I touch.

So, I would like to bring some of that into today.  A letting go of the frenetic synapse that my world is full of.

I want to put forward gratitude and pray for kindness, successes, and love.