For my age

 I'm 18. My skin is taught and healthy, my eyes are bright and sparkling. I am beautiful.

I'm 25, I carry my body differently, I'm youthful and mature. I am beautiful.

I'm 30, I am a mother. I am powerful and have meaning. I am beautiful.

I'm 35, I notice a wrinkle or two but still hold the male gaze.

I'm 40, somethings different...  am I beautiful?

I'm 48, things are drooping, my skin is becoming crapy, I have a neck vagina. I am beautiful inside.

I'm 53, my thigh muscle appears to be attached to nothing, my elasticity is waving good-bye. I am beautiful for my age. 

In fact, I am not old or young. I never was. I am either here or not here. 

I'm 53 and I look at my body, my face and one genius part of me smiles. How lucky am I to get to experience being so different than I have been my entire life? 

I get to be a woman who is no longer valued, desired, sexualized, hated, envied by others. I get to be invisible to my culture as much as I want. There is a secret in there that is thrilling. 

The Science of My State

 What is this brain pathway that jumps to

• I hate the way my house looks
• My house decor is dumb
• I am not happy in this house

My house is fine, I'm sure of it. It might not be where I imagine it to be at its best, but why can it only be good when it is at its imagined best? What payoff is my brain getting by being so unsatisfied? 

Is it because I am unsatisfied with where I am in my life? Am I insatiable? 

It definitely is that thing of aspiring for a point in time in the future

• Things will be better when I live on my own
• Then my place will stay uncluttered
• Then my place will feel consistently clean
• Then I will be able to focus
• Things will be better when I own my own home
• Then I can change things to my liking
• Then I can perfect the decor

I'm sure all those things are partially true, but it's not where happiness lays necessarily.

I'm overwhelmed in my life:

• Work
• My sister
• Carl's affairs
• Holding space for my niece 
  

I can finish with Carl's affairs and get that off my plate. My sister is simply a painful truth that my heart must accept. Holding space for my niece is a choice I've made because I love her and she deserves the space I can provide. And work... well, I like my work. I think we can get through this storm we're in and come out on the other side all the better for it. It's a good challenge. 

Maybe my brain is just running old scripts and I need to reach my subconscious to let it know that those scripts are no longer providing value. We need to reprogram. Our trajectory is forward, the momentum is already there. These old scripts are weighing down the process. I will be: 

• The global director of product
• I will own my own home
• I will be able to renovate it

And none of those things will be the immaculate source of my happiness. I could have all those things and still be unsatisfied. They alone are not my happiness, but they are still things I will achieve  and they will bring about their own moments of joy.  Which is to say, regardless of the old scripts, I will still reach those things - it's just a matter of bringing along so much unnecessary friction while I move along the path. 

And, I am in a universal holding pattern right now. I have both momentum and resistance. One part of my life is moving forward while one part of my life is tethered. That's a tough place to be, but if I resist that, if I think something is wrong because I can't see the science of my state, I am bound to the frustration of thinking I'm not where I should be. I am exactly where I have chosen to be. 

I can't possibly be at that state yet because I have made choices - bound by love -  that keep me here. 

It does feel like love is missing. I do wonder about that. Will I love again? Will I meet/have a person to share my life with? Universe? Will I find a final love? I heard a yes, not sure if was wishful thinking though. 

Universe, when might I find a final love? 3 years sticks out to me.  This seems like a reasonable timeline. 2027, a final piece of the puzzle. That gives me three years to get my work done :) 

side note to self: I quietly asked, will it be d? and I heard an emphatic YES. Haha, not too sure about that, but I'm open.