Dream

 It was as if I had the omnipresence of a narrator. I was above him and her and could see into their 'relationship' or their date. I got a birds eye view and was... so surprised. 

They were talking about stuff that seemed so childish, like they were children, and my reaction was "oh dear, what was I thinking? Why was I pining after this very young soul?" It was so clear in that moment that we were both better off, but what I had to see clearly was that my ego was not actually hurt. I wasn't missing something. I was gaining something. It's hard to find the words. 

It was a positive, loving feeling. I could see what a young soul he was and that I had been weirdly pouting over losing something that hadn't really existed. And here he was with a an equal to him, a woman who was not more, not better than me, but very, very different. Not someone I was "out done by." 

I had been torturing  myself that my 'replacement' was younger, prettier, smarter and stronger that me. But what I saw was that they were two very young souls. And I was happy for him that he wasn't with someone that was always 10 (or 50) steps ahead of him. And that it wasn't about me being less than enough. I was enough. I was, perhaps, a bit too much.

My ego. Oh boy. This is my lesson (again). It walks around convincing me I'm never enough. My inner critic. It was a gift to have that dream. It was a gift to wake up enough that I could record and it remember it clearly. It was a gift to see him happy in a way I could be happy for him. 

It also had an under-knowing that all the time he spent with me had prepared him, given him extra insights, so that he could engage better in conversation, and I was happy about that too. 

I've been calm since having that dream. As it fades, I hear my ego trying to hook me into the pain of being the loser again and I really don't want to go back there. I have so many strong, positive opportunities ahead of me that require my attention and focus to complete the lesson; whatever that may be, I am open.