My plan was to stop that, stop meandering the mire of useless thoughts and only move forward with functional actions. Don't stop to worry and fret over things that don't exist. That's tough when I have all this time in the quiet of a home.
I suppose some days I think that if the Greek wasn't here I would be more free to make noise and do stuff that was productive, not just sitting and being quiet which means scrolling the internet.
It doesn't actually follow that if he wasn't here I wouldn't do that, it appears to be something I'm just telling myself to justify the idle action.
I don't like my inner self in the morning. Sometimes. I think too much.
I feel too much, feelings like: I don't want what I have. Which means being responsible for a small person and, to some extent, the feelings of an adult male. I just want them both to see that, within reason, they are the makers of their own domain - within these walls that we share. We are all responsible for our own happiness and part of that is making sure we treat each other well.
That's it. That's all. Everyone figure out your shit, because I'm over here figuring out mine. And I don't want to be doing it either.
How do I stop diving into feelings of despair:
- When I feel emotionally exhausted
- When I feel mentally exhausted
- When I feel physically older and a weaker (less energetic)
Which is to say it's likely to feel like failure if I try and dive into working out when I'm mentally, emotionally exhausted to give it the physical energy it requires to feel successful.
I want to be a little angry at the adults around me that are off loading their laundry. I want to simply kick their laundry to the curb. I don't have cycles to do your laundry and I'm prepared to be selfish.
So fucking there.
With all due respect, fuck off.
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