Thursday, September 14, 2017

Sweet Calm

Not sure why I'm feeling so - naked - so to speak. Vulnerable I suppose is a better word, but vulnerable because I feel naked. My usual barriers not in place.

The Greek pal didn't want to not talk to me while he was away and asked what I needed to feel comfortable with it all. I said I needed him to not sleep with other women. So, if that was an important part of this trip for him, then just let me go while he's away.

He said it was not important and he would much rather be in touch with me than leave that as an open opportunity. So, that's good.

Obviously, I don't trust that 100%, but... I trust it enough to enjoy his trip with him.

Work is fine. Sometimes I'm not busy enough and that leaves me feeling yucky somehow. We have a big production going on for the next few days and it will be busy - that doesn't seem to fix things.

I miss him. I feel a bit sad about that.

I have to/want to stop smoking so that I don't have to deal with this double life bullshit when he comes back. I guess I feel a bit off about that as well.

I'm afraid that when he comes back, the intensity will be exhausting. So, I need to clean my soul...

Open myself to change and letting go (smoking)
Ask to see the gentle quiet in us
Look to sweet calm
Show me the light in the day.

I surrender.

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