How Would I Handle This if I Was Dead?

So maybe it wasn't the smoking or maybe it hasn't been long enough as I am still feeling a little less than stellar.

I had a thought as I was watching "The Final 24 - Hunter S. Thompson." I'm not really a fan of his writing, he lives far too close to the edge for my liking and never really made much sense to me. However, he was a writer and I am interested in all writers. Not only did he die, but he committed suicide. As I watched and listened, I found was somewhat pleased with his decision to end his life.

From what I gathered, Hunter didn't expect (or want) to live long and often talked about killing himself if nature didn't do it for him first. Try as he might with the booze and drugs, he was still here at sixty-something. So, having enough of that, he left - as planned.

I imagine his pain and suffering was not unlike the rest of ours, we all handle it differently, and I applaud him for stopping and getting off when he wanted to. I don't see any problem with it, not in his case anyways. I think he hung around long enough. At different levels of failure, I'm sure he tried to fix shit at different points in his life.

When the documentary was over, it made me sigh with the thought, "Wouldn't that be nice, to take one step and be away from this beast we call society? How lovely. "

I would be far away from all the fake shit that rubs my skin raw. All those other people and their personalities and opinions that I can't un-hear; they're like swimming in a ocean of stinging jellyfish, every word, every look, a jab, a sting. All of them yelling their pain and me feeling somewhat the sponge.

Wouldn't it be nice to be away from all of that? It would be like moving to the country after years of living by the highway. Quiet.

I took comfort at the thought and then, after some time, shrugged my shoulders because Hunter's option is not mine.

But, I thought, what if I just pretended in my own head to off myself? What if I pretended that I couldn't take the noise of this world so much that I just turned it off by way of death. I would be removed from society. That would mean that I could just live my life and nobody would see me. I could do things that I enjoy and not worry if the product was rated as good or poor, if I was pretty or ugly, or too pretty or too ugly. Too stupid or too arrogant. Too loud, too quiet. Too perfect or a disgusting mess.  I could do and be them all and just let them be. It wouldn't matter if I was good enough or not, because I wouldn't really be here.

I would like to do this. I would like to kill myself so that I may live in peace. It will be tough, though. It will change the way I go about everything.I'll have to remember that dead people don't have earthly opinions, and whenever something happens that stings (real or imaginary) I will have to ask myself, "how would I handle this if I was dead?"

Nothing is everything.