"The truth shall set you free but first it will piss you off"
- G. Steinem
And then, as another old blogger friend used to say, my brain went Wait, what?
You see, it's been a glorious June/July with the Greek - although not without its fair share of fucked up drama as well. Our last time together, 1 week ago, was fun (as usual) but then also, it had a lot of tenderness to it to. Things that felt a lot like love things. Intensity that you... I don't know, could see, feel, hear.
He had Sade on and at one point the song This is no Ordinary Love comes on and he sings the chorus an then laughs lightly saying something like she's got that right meaning... "ours" is no ordinary love.
Because he feels it, too.
but the TRUTH is:
He doesn't see this going anywhere, he doesn't consider me as someone he would spend time with outside of bed.
Because I am... old.er.
What a simple truth - wherein lies freedom from the hope of something more, the dangling truth of what I am actually looking for and will not find with him.
The big truth here for me is "what I am actually looking for," that's the one that pissed me off first. Then it was the fact he doesn't see me like that, that pissed me off second. Two truths for the price of one.
I was convincing myself that this was all I wanted but secretly I envisioned enjoying each others company in other ways too. Building a relationship that was not overly serious but not just sex.
Our last night together, we had, apparently, both decided it should be the last. Me because he's just too confused and young. Him because he's decided that he wants to open himself up to the potential of a serious relationship (with someone his own age. ugh). He had meet a girl he was interested in pursuing and said, "I want to give it a fair shot and I can't if I'm always thinking of you."
And so now, he's pursing. They have a date on Monday - to do SOMETHING FUN.
I want to do SOMETHING FUN! And also, you know, bully for him.
what-the-fuck-ever.
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