In the Middle

We're moving. Next weekend, we move into our new house. It's bigger, it's nicer, and I pray everyday that it will give us just the right amount of space. Not too much, not too little.

But that is next week. Today, we live like gypsy heathens. My animals eat from empty plates on the coffee table because I have given up trying to keep things clean. My floor is covered in boxes, clumps of dog hair, dirt, and cedar tree bits, and it makes me feel... dispassionate.

Soon, I will move this mess of belongings to a new house that feels void of connection yet has the expectation of home and perfection thrust upon it. It's a tall order that this house will take months to fulfil. Until it does, I will be in the middle of - in between - two homes. I will be without the place where I belong.

It reminds me of when I moved from my marriage to that other home. I remember how it seemed like the connection would never be made; that even though all my belongings where there, I was in a stranger's house. It was lonely.

I thought then that it was because my husband wasn't there, but now I wonder if it will be the same, only we'll be alone together this time.

I make it sound melancholy and  I don't really mean to. It's just something that appears to be there and for that reason alone, I must poke it for more information.

ugh.

It's just that... maybe I also don't want to live this way. Of course, you'll know, I'm talking about work now and not houses. This is, perhaps, the other swollen object in my gut that requires poking.

I'm exhausted. I'm too old for this shit,  this shit of having to put so much of my time to something that bleeds creativity from me. I just want to do it part time - for fuck sakes. It's so demanding.

I'm not sure if I took a wrong turn leaving my last part time job. Then, working from home seemed appealing, and it is cool, but also not cool. And why is it that this job always seems to pulling from me more than it gives?

The manifestation is balance, joy, and contentment (the last two might be one in the same), and I'm not there yet. I find this current job kinda pisses me off. It's great, the people are great, the product is great, the work is demanding - too demanding, at times, in it's relentlessness.

I just need a job that I come to that feels kind and pleasant and where I feel of value and my mind is engaged. A job that fills me up with as much as I put in and leaves me enough time to foster writing and projects. Perhaps I had that before - the money was just a little shy.

So, I tweak the manifestation: balance, joy, financial abundance. I will look to where I want to go. I will focus.

It's good to have goals.