Like the Wind

Feelin' some stuff, not sure what it is. The Greek - what is happening? He seems to be... unravelling? Or, the veil I had over my own eyes is unravelling? Am I seeing what I was willing to overlook before? Perhaps a mix of the two - I saw hints of it because he didn't show it as much, but now he is relaxing more and showing more of that side of himself and I'm not as willing to see past it.

He's a bit of a moody, insolent child at times. I simply don't invite that into my daily life, I don't invite that behaviour to my parties, ya know? And if it shows up at my party, I generally end up saying, "Sorry, not sure how you got here, but you're going to have to leave...this party is for adults," as nicely and respectfully as I can - of course.

The result of all this him letting his child run rampant at my life party being:  I dreamt long of my husband and his grown-up-ness, and wished I could sneak back to that life.

I mean, do I really want to be back with him again?  I can't imagine sex with him now, I'm just not there. But, I love him, always have that was never an issue. He was/is my like-mind soulmate - we just lost real life, alive, connected connection. We killed it with his addiction and subsequent methadone.

I miss him though. I miss him a lot.

Alas, I'm on my own here and I'm good with that for the most part. In fact, saying that statement feels absolutely perfect in my heart and soul. Who knows what happens with the Greek from here, maybe it's just a phase. Maybe it's not. Maybe he will not understand how to be a emotionally responsible man in a relationship with a emotionally responsible woman.

Either way,  I feel good. A little sad, perhaps, but much better for having said all this and gotten it out of my head.

New Day

It's a friend's birthday. He passed away some years ago now - stupid accidental OD - I like to think he makes a visit to me on this day. Maybe he's around. If you are... Hi :)

It's my bday on Sunday. I got my period yesterday after 41 days of not having it, because I'm peri-menopausal and this shit is now random. I feel absolutely fantastic and super fucked up with a headache, nausea, and mood swingy af. But, it's okay because it has that feeling of being slammed down in a "you are now instantly grounded" Oprah voice kinda way. Welcome back to, Earth!

My inner asshole is FREE and expressive, which is kinda nice. I'm enjoying that. It happens so rarely. It's a little scary though, I think I can be horribly scary as an asshole.

I took today off work. I bought some hideous and cool, unflattering sweat pants, that fit everywhere accept for being 5 sizes too small around the waist (thanks Urban Planet), and am loving being home in them. Best bday gift ever (except, of course, for the loosing of circulation around my waist. Self inflicted pain seems fitting though).

I'm going to clean my house, finally put all my clothes away, and then drive up island to hang with my one friend and my kids. Fingers crossed my expectations aren't too high and I don't end up by myself on Friday night in a hostel, that would be weird.

I've got to clean up my manifesting - open all my doors and windows for a swell of great energy this weekend. I'm gearing up for a - regardless of any other thing that may or may not happen - day of celebrated aloneness wherein I rely on  the simple joy of Bridget Jones 1&2, pizza & coke (maybe sushi) , and Purdy's chocolate (or Häagen-Dazs vanilla almond) to ring in my 47th year on Sunday.

47 fucking years. Haha. I'm reaching those age bands where, as a young punk, when I heard someone died at this age I was like, "we'll they lived a long life."

Hahahahah.

Oh, and, yeah, the Greek and I are still a thing. Maybe that will change now that he's met my PMS monster.

I have a lot of good feelings about him and I, but I'm in no condition to speak of them. Because, fuck him. Right? For no apparent reason, fuck him. I'm kidding, of course. ? No, really I am. He just can't win anything with me right now. I will either:

• cry because he's going to leave me because I'm crazy for the next 4 days
• look at him with absolute disdain because he's not funny
• accuse him of "looking at me like that."
• need him to pet me non stop
• get mad at him for patronizing me

or all of these in a span of 10 minutes, so it's probably better he stays far away.

Oh great, I just messaged him (with the intention of being nice and checking in) on the one app where I can see if he's a) read my message and b) read it and is not responding.... I could have just texted him and never known the difference.

shit. pray for him.