Fuck. You.

We got the chance to talk enough for me to say something like - look, you're doing the push/pull thing with me. One moment your lovey and the next moment you have this professional boundary or, this was new this morning, he didn't want to tell me but he's been fighting off a cold and has been since we got here.... 

Are you fucking kidding me? You have a cold? And that's why you come into my room and and kiss me but I can't do the same to you. Because, you want your space but only when you want it and it's cool that you send me mix signals, kiss me when you want to and otherwise treat me like I'm a buddy co worker mother fucker bullshit head game shit.

So, I end it saying. "Look it's fine, I'm just really annoyed with your on/off approach to me. It doesn't feel like I can just be me. Just let me be annoyed and don't pretend everything is normal."

To which he said, "Okay that sounds fair to me."

I don't want to look at him. I don't want to make fake smiles. I'm fucking annoyed and pissed off. Go away, go snowboard, if you want space - then FUCKING TAKE IT. Don't come have some kisses when you want it and then shut off completely. Basically, he calls the shots and comes and goes as he pleases. Not working for me. Thanks anyways.

So, that's it. I'm annoyed and I don't want to make pretend small talk. And I have every right to be annoyed at his "have my cake and eat it too."

Not my jam.

Oh, and yeah, after we settled on my be annoyed, he's walking around singing,  "You've lost that loving feeling..."

and if I was to suggest that he was sending a secret message kinda thing, he would deny it.

Not cool.... brah. 

Work Ish

We're at a ski resort, it's a you-work-at-an-awesome-place thing. The company puts us up at chalet and we ski, snowboard, drink, play games and just all around have an awesome time. My friend, the Greek, is experiencing polar opposite feelings for me while we here.

From the moment we got up to the mountain, we were/are buddies. There was none of his schmoopy, schmoopines. No, damn I want to fuck you like there always is. Now, one doesn't have to be the world's most intuitive person to pick up on that shift (although he was rather impressed by my accuracy), and you know what... I was (am-ish) okay with it. I came straight out and put it on the table and he beat around the push for only a minute or two. You could see he contemplated the "what? Nothing's different, you crazy girl" approach but then rather quickly gave that at up when he recognized the "I can see the truth, it's right there in between us. I'm not going to stop this until you admit it" all in a dude, it's fine lightness. And it was, is alright. ish.

He's been boarding with me even though I nearly demand he go with the guys so that he can have his space and be away from me (because, as he said, we're together all the time. True story, I totally get it). At one point he even drew a heart in the snow.

Back at the lodge, he's stole a few kisses here and there when I guess I have succeeded in attracting him. But that's the thing, the catch...

Since this weekend started, all I have felt is that I'm teetering this fine line of "okay, you did something cute and I remember why I love you" an/to/or "and now you just said a word that I don't like and I remember why I don't like you anymore," and so I get across the room sweet look or oh are you here, too? Cool, see ya avoidance. It's fucking pissing me off.

We just had some alone time where, in another time (like last week) he would have taken that moment to steal some kisses and touch me and love me and call me his kitty, and he didn't even sit beside me and started making "the weather this and that" conversation.

Um, do you even know me at all???????? Ugh. Everyone's up. To be continued.