Volume

I accidentally turned up the volume on our culture, and perhaps I came unglued from my north star voyage at the same time, returning to old habits of fearing decisions I made. 
I feel overwhelmed and disconnected from life.

I miss my daughter or I miss being a more consistent part of her life. My expectation for me as a mother is that I am always there, I am a constant. Having moved an hour and a half away has completely distanced me from that.

However, if I moved back there I wouldn't be in the same home as her. I would see her as much or perhaps less then I do now (given that when I do go to stay there, I stay at her house). So, why do I feel so much  guilt and why do I refuse to let go of that guilt?

In order to continue to be relevant in my job, I needed to move here. There, work is scarce and unfulfilling. Here, there is opportunity to earn the level of income I want so that I can retire one day.

I don't know if I'm just unhappy with my decision to move in to a house with the Greek, as if that makes it look that I left my 18 year old daughter with her dad so that I could have a relationship (not that's even that bad - I think?) . That is not what I did. If I didn't have this job - or a job of note - I would be back there in a heart beat.

I feel stress. I feel sad.

Other potential factors: I'm moving in 2 weeks and my pal's brother is staying in our living room for 2 weeks (one week left).

I just want a home my daughter can and does come to. A home where we can connect easily and naturally.

Other potential factors: Work is fucking huge and I'm loosing the strength to meet the challenges we face. We're growing and bringing in professionals, I have the opportunity to expand my skill set to match theirs, but I have a niggling sense that I will have to fight for this a bit. Perhaps it's just an internal struggle, I don't know.

I'm sad and disconnected from my source. I feel like I'm lost in a forest and my energy stores are low. I feel like there is nobody to talk to about this. No one that could help me forward, because my experience is that I don't know anyone that knows more than I do in this kind of discussion.

So I just made my first counselling apt through my EAP.... fingers crossed.

I do feel that perhaps if I was stronger about my position to live here, it would help my daughter be stronger about it, too. As it is, I'm giving her reason to doubt that she doesn't need me or that I did the right thing.

I just don't like the distance I feel.

So, it was a bad time to turn up the volume on philosophical thinkers which led to opening twitter which lead to intensely loud volume on political stupidity that, for a second or five, makes you feel that if you don't witness it, you're part of the problem. Ugh, the ugly stress of watching people invest 100% of their heart into self righteous hatred. Ouch.

In other news, I don't want to do yoga today. I'm too sad.

Artist: Adam Hall (looooove this guy)