Christmas is gross but I Do Love My Family

The tarot card reader said about my chakra layout that in my heart chakra I'm guarded with the Greek. The two of swords. She said that I let him in but then close myself off, perhaps because I don't really trust the whole thing.

It's not always him I don't trust. It's me. I don't always trust that I will want this. I feel sometimes like  I just want to be alone, as if this is just a bit too much work. Mmm, perhaps work is not quite the right word. It's a bit too much work of being open to it and then not open to it.

It's too much work imagining how it will all play out (every day, day after day)
Maybe we'll live in balanced and in an independent lovers bliss and I'll never have these thoughts again
Maybe he'll tire of this and move on 
Maybe I'll tire of this and move on
Maybe I'll look too old soon
Maybe he'll meet someone his own age and fall in love
Maybe he'll want to have kids
Maybe he wont like who my past has really made me
Maybe he hasn't really seen who I really am
Maybe I'm too tired for this... 

This is why I pull back from us, all those questions.

So just stop doing that, right? It's just that I always feel like I'm on the precipice of an answer to any one of those.

What if I just let him in and accepted myself as a bit too independent most of the time to be lovey-loverson and trusted him on his word that is kinda sorta one of the things he values about this relationship - that I'm independent enough that it doesn't impede his social life.

I guess I just don't trust that. I start to fall into "the trap" of trusting it, but then things start to fall apart:

I stop caring about having sex
He's becomes a pal not a lover
I start day dreaming of falling in passion love
I desire passion all over again

blah-ba-blah, blah, blah

I just don't want to think anymore. I don't know how to do that.

I don't know how to fully accept him when it feels like our time is so limited.

Which is funny because that's why he didn't want to get into this relationship, because the end was so clear on the horizon and it was just going to hurt.

and then I just had to force it, didn't I?

For the record, I don't want to end it. I'm just finding that not be able to really relax in it is fucking exhausting and I don't know how long I can do whatever the fuck it is that I'm doing in my head.

Dude.

I should write. Enough has happened recently that writing out my thoughts should be a good thing. However, I feel spent.

It's odd that my mind should think that I have some sort of audience that I should update, lest I leave them on the edge of their seats with the big season finale cliffhanger.  I wonder who that audience in my mind is; if I could give them all names, how many would there be? Let's tell the story first, shall we?

Our protagonist has just moved into a nice house with her younger, full of life, man-friend. Their life together has finally hit that sweet plateau. We've watched them struggle as both co-workers and lovers. We've watched them fight for and against the passion neither of them can resist. After 3 years together and a month backpacking in Europe, they know they're committed, they're ready to surrender to their unconventional love and reap the rewards. 

But, two weeks after settling into their new home they learn that the protagonist's 11 year old niece, who was recently removed from her mother's care, has now been abandoned by her father, too. There's no where left for her to go and nowhere our protagonist wants her to go but with her. Enough is enough.

So, before they have a chance to sing, "Looks like we made it" to each other and perform wild adult gymnastics in every part of their new house, their lives are forever changed; they're parents?

On the bright side, maybe, just maybe, everyone gets the opportunity to be something they've always wanted to be. 

Awe, isn't that sweet?

So yeah, that's it, that's the season one cliff hanger of [Super Awesome Title]. My life dressed up as a rom com. Seems like a quaint Love Actually kind of event.

Sure, why not

I guess I just want to say that, "Dude, my heart is fucking tired."

Look at the date (lookatit!), it's five, FIVE, days before Christmas. I have one daughter I've barely started shopping for (oh my god, I just heard my first-world-woe there, that's embarrassing) and now I have to shop for my niece, and not just for Christmas. The (ugh, here I go) girl has been living with dysfunctional messy/hoarder types (great people and I love them dearly...) for forever and she just has nothing. We have to get out there and get clothes and personal items and fast.

Also, work is still moving fast and complicated. I want and need to be there.

These are high pressured times.

But here's the thing: after some initial bumps and bruises for all us, by the end of January my niece and I will be strolling down to the bus stop where she will hop on the city bus for short trip down the road to her new school and I will return to my routine of walking to work, getting my headspace. She'll get her self home and have snacks. One day a week, she'll go to an extra curricular drama class (because the girl belongs on the stage and, well, who doesn't drama class save? ).

Both of us have the support the social worker, counselling, programs, camps...

And if it gets too much for The Greek, I know we will both be graceful.

I just want, with all my heart, to give this girl a chance.

Perhaps, there's still time to sing: