Christmas is gross but I Do Love My Family

The tarot card reader said about my chakra layout that in my heart chakra I'm guarded with the Greek. The two of swords. She said that I let him in but then close myself off, perhaps because I don't really trust the whole thing.

It's not always him I don't trust. It's me. I don't always trust that I will want this. I feel sometimes like  I just want to be alone, as if this is just a bit too much work. Mmm, perhaps work is not quite the right word. It's a bit too much work of being open to it and then not open to it.

It's too much work imagining how it will all play out (every day, day after day)
Maybe we'll live in balanced and in an independent lovers bliss and I'll never have these thoughts again
Maybe he'll tire of this and move on 
Maybe I'll tire of this and move on
Maybe I'll look too old soon
Maybe he'll meet someone his own age and fall in love
Maybe he'll want to have kids
Maybe he wont like who my past has really made me
Maybe he hasn't really seen who I really am
Maybe I'm too tired for this... 

This is why I pull back from us, all those questions.

So just stop doing that, right? It's just that I always feel like I'm on the precipice of an answer to any one of those.

What if I just let him in and accepted myself as a bit too independent most of the time to be lovey-loverson and trusted him on his word that is kinda sorta one of the things he values about this relationship - that I'm independent enough that it doesn't impede his social life.

I guess I just don't trust that. I start to fall into "the trap" of trusting it, but then things start to fall apart:

I stop caring about having sex
He's becomes a pal not a lover
I start day dreaming of falling in passion love
I desire passion all over again

blah-ba-blah, blah, blah

I just don't want to think anymore. I don't know how to do that.

I don't know how to fully accept him when it feels like our time is so limited.

Which is funny because that's why he didn't want to get into this relationship, because the end was so clear on the horizon and it was just going to hurt.

and then I just had to force it, didn't I?

For the record, I don't want to end it. I'm just finding that not be able to really relax in it is fucking exhausting and I don't know how long I can do whatever the fuck it is that I'm doing in my head.