argh

Update: It was the progesterone, it filled me with a gale wind of anger. Everyone was in my way.

I fucking hated every cell that lived. And the dead were too pious for me as well.






Glad that's over.

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What Progesterone did...

So annoyed lately and can't put my finger on whether it's me in a mood or if my partner is actually doing things that drive me nuts. As noted before, we work together, we sit beside each other, we leave for work together, we go home together. Even when I'm going for an early work out, he's right there "K, I'll leave with you."

For a while, it was fine, nice even. But, now it's getting to the point where I feel like I have to update him on my schedule so that he can join me. I need to consider him in my schedule, so that he can join me.

Oh, and BIG news here, my niece has gone back with her dad. I am no longer a full time mom/auntie and I'm finding that, in my rejoicing, I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT ANYONE ELSE WITHIN MY SCHEDULE.

I told him this just before Christmas. I told him that, while we're both so excited, it would be about us. First, it had to be about me. Me letting my brain relax and just living my life like a solo person BECAUSE I CAN.

I told him I wanted to pick up my routine (only broken for about 3 weeks) of being back on my bike and going to the gym - and hitting a 6:45am gym time  when ever I felt like it - at a whim - because NOW I CAN.

I'm a fly by the seat of my pants girl often. I may or may not go to the gym. I may book for 6 and then change my mind for 8. I DO NOT want to feel like I need to update my partner with each change I make AND tell him WHY!!!!!!

Something has happened where he must be up in my business more than usual. It seems to me like I would ask him some things? Maybe? I don't know if I do  question everything. He makes plans and I say "cool, that sounds like fun." He changes  his plans with friends and I say "Oh bummer"? Or do I ask, "oh that's too bad, why?"

If at lunch time he says, "I'm going to go to [a shop]" do I reply, "why are you going there?" Because he does that to me and lately I find myself saying this like "because I want to?"

It feels as though he questions everything I do so that he can ... help me optimize my plans. "Well, I was just wondering if you wanted me to do it for you? I could go to that store and pick that up for you and you can relax" he smiles helpfully.

Which then puts me in the position of asking him to do something for me before I decide to do it because he's going to jump in front of me every time I go to do something and offer to do it for me. So let's just save time and I'll just sit and he can do every thing  - because that will go well over time.

And he doesn't see his behaviour. He lacks perspective and insight a lot of the time. His emotional intelligence seems lazy sometimes, as if he depends on "I'm just a happy puppy" approach to cover up his lack of mature presence.

When I had my niece, I was more stressed. Work was a lot of little and big things and then there was my niece on top of that and he wanted to help. So he tried to take the 'little life things' off my plate and that was nice and thoughtful.

Now though, I feel as though I've told him - "you can step back now, let me do me" and he's having a hard time switching gears I guess. I've told him I need space to adjust back into my life, and he feels as though I'm leaving him. I've told him I don't want to take care of somebody right now, and he feels lonlier than he did when she was here - when he was so excited to have "us" back.

I don't know what to tell him. I just want some time and space to collect myself after a year of my niece and my sister blowing up my life. That seems super reasonable to me. It's not like I'm ignoring him AT ALL. I just don't want to be Siamese happy puppy dogs twins. I CANNOT do that.

Give me some space to adjust back into my life, my routine. I want to get back into the gym, I'd like to do yoga, I want to have time to think, visit friends, focus on my health and strength. I'll see you at work and I'll see you at home. We'll do date nights and movies, but in between.... I just want to think for myself

Something Sweet This Way Comes

My time here in Mexico, writing for writing sake - because I feel a few things that I want to put words to. My travel companions, my best friend and her husband, they fight... Not a lot but enough. They bicker like brother and sister and then it escalates,  and the foundation of it seems so toxic to me. I don't do toxic in my life so it's a weird thing to be around, it hurts my soul. I want to go home and clean myself of it, spend time alone and just hug myself. Of course, just being away from home makes me feel that too. Because I am a homebody, I love my home and my space. I love being alone.

Going home, however,  I am going home to my partner who misses me and will want to have sex. I don't want to have sex, I do not feel sexy.

My focus coming here was to relax and do some chill work on myself which I feel like I was able to. It was also, hopefully, to reevaluate my job and how I'm doing it. I kinda did that, but... I think it's a bigger mountain than a week in a busy tourist town.

My soul still feels like it hurts a bit. It's tired. I don't want to live like that anymore.

I got some good time writing my book, that was nice. I can see how having dedicated time to focusing on just that would go a long way in getting it done. My mind is so cluttered. My heart so pulled.

I do look forward to seeing my partner though, his clean spirit and positive energy. Also, I would like him to just lay with me - and maybe, as much as I hate to admit it, I could just cry about everything that hurts:

My mothers Alzheimers
Half parenting my niece
Missing a day to day life with my kids
The disorganization of my work
The under resourced, over worked state of my job, my project
Missing something sweet

to which I would like the following, in order

Grace and time to say good bye with all of my heart
Bring her to a home where she will flourish
Be in close proximity spiritually and physically 
Reinvent (elevate) my job and allow space to write the fucking book 
Enjoy something sweet again

Weird Juncture

Who knows what will happen, probably nothing, but this feels like a weird juncture.

By this I mean - maybe the Greek will come back and tell me he doesn't want to be together anymore, that he wants his own place. It's really not clear to me if I think that because it's what I want to have happen or what I intuit is happening.

He's still at odds with his job, where we work together, and this odds had been made worse by a recent new management hire. There are similarities between the two of them, one of which being their charisma - they each have it albeit very differently. The Greeks charisma, while more authentic in nature, is being squashed by the new guy. And, the new guy is cracking the whip of lax production. So stealing my Greek's spotlight and cushy job.

We've had "big" talks about this at least once a year, talks where I end up telling him my truth which is, "look, we can all see you've been getting away with a lot of free work time. You have to pick up the pace. If you don't like it, you can quit" and today I added, "you should probably quit."

I don't know. I had to get that off my chest. It was a piss or get off the pot moment and I feel like me speaking my truth, a truth I know he see's the honesty of, has fractured me for him.

I've always been on about how I'm not entirely my true self with him. I see the vision of me that he sees and I try and keep it up. Maybe that's true of everyone.

He talks about how people are too PC to handle his level of candid honesty and communication and that the world should toughen up but by the same token, I don't think he appreciated my version of that very type of communication. And in the end I find that I don't care how he feels about it. It is the truth and it felt good to speak it. If it breaks us, then so be it. I don't want to spend energy holding up false truths -

which, if I am to be honest -

his false truth will be that he really doesn't like living with me with my niece. A truth that he will, by the end of this day, undoubtedly come to.

And if we're going to take down false walls, then let's take them all down, right? What can I say to that? Other than, true story brah. 

I'm stuck at my juncture: my job, my niece. I've manifested this job to give me a platform to write my book - it's exactly what I've worked all my life for. New glitzy manager guy is not stealing anything from me and I don't want to give up what will help me achieve my end game: be a happy, well paid writer (I added happy because... be careful what you wish for). And my niece, well that's a matter of time and I'm doing the best I can. I'm content being stuck here for now, I'm working my plan.

I see this job is changing and I don't think I'm up for where it's going - but I have time. I have a goal. He doesn't have the same focus and he'll understand that he needs to make some changes to understand what his focus and goal is.

It's not that I want this to be over - it's just that I don't want to hang in some weird balance if that is the case. Just rip the bandaid. Being constantly prepared for the shelf life of my appearance to run out is a little exhausting.

It's the first rainy day of the summer and there is a charge in the air. I feel it. It feels real. And real feels like such a relief.

The Rose Goes in the Front

Don't think, Meat

I've been working a lot. Working on my book, working at work, working at my sister, working at not suffering (a relative term), working at finding some peace, working at finding solutions to my situation. That's the big one: working at finding solutions to my situation.

Always, my mind is puzzling. This piece goes here, what if I put this one here and that one there. No, that didn't work, what if we move these over here, does that fit? No, try again. No, try again. No, try again.

I want to go and get a card reading. I want her to tell me if this going to stop or not. Do I have to make a decision to lose my life and relationship as I know it? Is that the right thing to do? What is the right thing to do? Is the right thing to do to stand up for what I believe could/should be? Same puzzle, different elevation or perspective.

I can feel the answer - the right answer for me - and it's let go. Let go of the puzzle, let go of the responsibility, all will be okay. And that's what I'm going to do, because

• I'm living my sister's insanity
• I'm losing capacity of heart, soul, and mind
• I need quiet

I feel so raw and ripped. I know that my sister has capacity, but I also know that she's very sick in her soul. I care for her but what I am doing is not helping her. The sickest part of her is using me, I am a safety net. But also, I think she needs one. But it can't be me.

I have to let her and her life situation go. I have to let her daughter blow about in the wild and hope she lands softly. I will have to look her daughter, my niece, in the eye one day and say, "Yes, I let go." Which also sounds like, "I gave up on you" to me.  Even though, I didn't give up, her mom did, but we all knew that had happened, so I, a responsible adult, gave up again. First her mother, then her father, then ... me - the one that could have done it for forever said, "But I don't wanna." 

I've started again, I'm working the puzzle. This isn't why I wanted to write here today. I wanted to write because I've spent all of my time lately on working things and not me. I have no quiet in my brain, heart, and soul. 

I'm going to need some good medicine once this is over, I'm going to need to piece myself together again. This habit, the muscle, of problem solving has become too big and I need to rest it. How can I start that now? 

I need structure. I need to be alone first and to then to be able to decide when I'm ready to spend time with people, to give that part of myself that I have over-given to my sister and her life. I need to protect me. 

Meditation seems like it would be a good first step but a lofty one for me right now.

• Counselling, someone who can help me with largest puzzle pieces, me.
• Working from home at least one day a week, Wednesdays 
• Eventually, find a community, people I truly connect with, outside of just me. 
• Connect to a slow and positive forward existence of happiness

I suppose I will have to, might have to, learn to forgive myself for the way in which I choose to play a role in my niece's life. 

The first step in all of this seems to be the need to shut off, or turn down, my connection to thought and processing. So the hardest thing on that list (that I didn't include in the actual list...) , meditation, seems to be the one I might want to prioritize. Thinking then feeling, thinking then feeling, over and over again. It's madness. 

I think I can likely achieve some of that goal in practicing a quiet mind on my own, I can manifest a peaceful mind and a charmed life. An existence I have because I created it through doing the good work and trusting in a power greater than myself. To move within the circle of the g.o.d. we all share, and to stay within the energy that that g.o.d. creates. See that and move, one step at a time, back to it. 

Experience and return fun and joy into the world by all means possible. 

Know my strengths. Protect and serve them

Know my weaknesses. 

Surrender

Don't think, Meat. 

What The Fuck Ever

I go through a weird run of emotions or thoughts when I'm away from home. This odd isolation feeling where I panic every so slightly that I am not at home - so far away from my core - and that I'm too naked out here.

Then I might relax and be totally cool with it all

And then I'll be sad that I'm alone and reflect at how often I really am alone even when I am home.

I think it just shows how much time I have on my hands? And that perhaps I have unlearned how to be not doing and having nothing to do. It's hard to have nothing to do. Truly, kids were such a blessing, there was never such an opportunity to over-reflect when you had kids, they always pulled you from that incessant and luscious lament by falling down and crying, wailing for food, loving you.

Now, I just have all this time and it has a powerful echo.

I'd like to get rid of this pattern, I'd like to clean it up and away. I'd like to be void of concern over things that don't concern me - you know?

I set a reminder in my phone:

Help me filter out patterns that do not contribute to the health of my mind and the happiness of my spirit and soul. 

This is a request to any or all the energies in the universe that point to good. That's my prayer.


I would like to swim out of this like a smooth finish to a dive.

But I don't think I can help that process if I'm resisting and fighting these thoughts and feelings as if they simply don't exist.

I think perhaps I have to allow them to come rushing in, like kids after playing outside. Small kids that were arguing over how to set up their tree fort and now their telling you all about the small injustices they found in one another - he said, she said - and perhaps I can at least just listen without being sucked into the vortex of it, listen as a mediator perhaps. Or, just a witness to it.

Either way, I'll just let them mill, swarm, cavort around me, listen to them, have some empathy but not to a fault. At the very least, I'll let them in instead of locking them out, making monsters of them banging on my doors to come in; little tyrants yammering for attention and threatening to beat me to a pulp.

the tyrants

Uh, Can I Get a Hand Here Guys?

A lingering moroseness has returned, I'm not sure what it's about. I'm trying, maybe? to just be with it. Perhaps I'm not and I'm just pushing it away and that's why it's persisting. Did I lose focus? I don't know.

I find I am disconnected somewhat to my feelings of love in my relationship, as if it's an exercise of stacking things on a very high shelf and my arm is dead tired from lifting. The thought of putting one more thing on that high shelf is utterly exhausting. I just look at it and think, am I not done yet? Ugh.

I have no room in my body, no space, it's full of work, peoples needs, my perception of peoples needs, how to declutter  my immediate future, how to make sure peoples needs are met, and how to be fair.

I have my sister's daughter and it weighs on me. She should be with her family, her mom (or dad), but my sister is a blistering hotbed of emotional infection. I was thinking this morning about how I can't be around her - she can't have a conversation, as if she no longer knows how, she just fucking rambles  nearly incoherently from one subject to the next. She doesn't talk with you, she talks at you and when you tell her to stop - because eventually you must, it feels like an assault that you can't put your finger on - she gets indignant that she's not allowed to express herself. Everyone else can but her. So she tries to spit guilt at you, guilt that you know, because you live in the real world, has nothing to do with you - but still, her spit is on you and it's gross.

Probably the last time I had a sane, normal conversation with her was when she was pregnant with the daughter I now have. To her credit, she never touched a drop of booze or drugs during her pregnancies. That was 12 years ago now.

We're certain she's been smoking crack, certain because she has admitted to it. Somehow, she manages to not fall into the face sore, street zombie crack user life. She manages to keep up appearances - she's always done coke like others drink coffee (therefore she doesn't see an issue with it; she loves it, it's her cigarette) and she's got it under control. It's madness.

Even if she's not actively doing coke/crack, the incessant chatter prevails her. To be clear, she's exhaustively chatty without help, but doing this makes it, as you can well imagine, horribly worse. Her mind is a pile of mush - and this wears on me. I can feel it invading me. A slow invasion, perhaps preparing for an ambush.

So, I'm writing this book, this book that intends to redeem her of herself. A book that explains how she got here - not why she stays - but that she had good reason to have arrived, that she shouldn't feel shame for it, there are many witnesses now... we all see you and have empathy for the war you lost. We see you and don't think you're horrible; we understand and apologize for any part our ignorance played.  This is what I am trying to write. And... it's hurting me.

Just write the book. That's been my mantra. I wake up in the dark and just as my mind starts to slip into other things, I hear just write the book. Write the fucking book.

But I must, or it helps, stay some what detached. I must create characters that show the heart of the story but are not us. I must create a world that is the magic of love and stuff of nightmares - and not get pulled in, not lose my strength of character to the weakness of my broken people. It is hard, hard work and it's what I do in my down time, my alone time.

Then... then I go to work where I am the sole understander of this feature (massive re-versioning) vision for our product and our users. The functionality we must provide for our users, the experience they deserve, the business cases they have, the software we are. I fight for their needs and experience.

I must teach our engineers why we need to do all the things and I must do it with grace and gratitude, because our engineers deserve to know what they are building and why, the deserve to be excited about what they are providing for small and large businesses. So I am pulling a bungee cord of information into the room and then pulling a bungee cord of engineers into the same room, holding them there, struggling to help the two meet, with all my strength - forever holding the tension of the two who keep pulling back and back...

and while I'm doing that, I'm balancing spinning plates of fires.

It's glorious work, I could only dream of having such a challenge. I'm very happy about the work. However, I am under resourced. I'm getting tired. My heart feels sore, I feel a little wrecked and I don't know what to do. I want to do my best. My very, very best. I want to see this project all the way through and then some.

And I want to write a good book, a book that people enjoy and only realize afterwords that they were there as witness to my/our lives - an adventure book first and emotional journey after. I want to write a book that begins my new life. A life where I can finally let go, a book that tells my sister, once and for all, that "I see you. We all see you - more than you see yourself - and we love you for all that you have endured by your own hand and the had of others. You are redeemed." And from there, the marker will forever stand, the marker where she ends and I let go. Where I understand I have done all the things, the only things I could do to thank her. From there, it will be up to her to decide the life she wants and I will not and don't want to judge it. If she decides that coke and booze are who she is, then okay. But I don't want to watch.

I want to use this spark, this lovely spark (that we both have in our own ways) to write more adventures and I want to make people, myself included, laugh with every piece of their hearts. I want them to laugh and cry with a feeling of completeness and joy. I want to give them gifts that other writers have given me - beautiful idle time where the mind unfolds like a playground.

And I want to travel the world with ease and joy. I want to laugh and dance. I want to feel and give just enough love so as not to feel saturated but satiated.

I want to share this all with my wonderful daughters and their children (when and should they have them)

I want the sweet attainable bliss

...that's funny - because that's the name I've finally decided my sisters name will be in the book - the big reveal is that her real name is not Sorrow (that was a well earned nickname) her real name, the name she was given because that's what her mother thought of her, was/is Bliss.

Perhaps it's not weird at all - that is the ultimate goal - a little bliss for everyone.

So, yeah, where was I? My relationship, my love, that one more thing that I feel needs me to raise my arm to that high shelf, the arm that feels dead tired, I'm sorry... I just can't. If you can wait for me, I would be....

If you can pour your love into me when I am depleted during this time - with no questions asked and excepting of the small returns you get - I would be forever, truly and deeply, honoured and grateful.

My Purpose?

I can't find it lately. Maybe it's that I'm just not feeling it? I've been sick for a week now, I'm a horrible sick person, it's depressing as hell.

It is making me feel sick of myself. My lethargy is unbearable. I'm used to feeling good and with energy. I am neither of those right now. It's like... I have a swimming pool tied to my ass. How do people deal with this? People that have physical ailments that are legit and ongoing?

Me Praying...

I have no idea and I pray that I am not sick much longer. I pray this isn't a permanent state of my existence now - because that's how it feels.

I like to come and look at myself this way, it feels better to call it what it is: pathetic.

I'm wailing in self pity, so it's nice to do it loudly, really feel it.  Know what else I'm sick of? Being creative. Fucking sick of it, my brain is seriously over used right now. And preening over my creativity...?

God, make it stop. The preening anyways. 

I just want to stop feeling sick. I want to stop coughing. I want to stop feeling sorry for myself.

I want to feel spry. I want to feel connected to my purpose... which is... wait for it...

Feeling connected to my state of nothing. Enjoying the state of nothing and no one.

Right, that's it. I forgot. That's why I come here, to write the shit out of me, laugh at myself, and then move on. What a satisfying itch to scratch.

Me not doing yoga

So, here I go...

This is a lie, I have Purple Rain cranked right now...

I can do this... I can do nothing. Deep breaths....