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Thursday, September 29, 2016

The Near Far Game

One week he's calling all the time in the evening, we talk for hours, he says things, "I could really fall in love with you (were I closer to his age and we could build a life)," and then - nothing.

He barely messages me at work and never after work. No more, "I called you because I like talking to you."

I don't know if he's being skittish or he's just reached his point of disinterest. Is he forcing himself into disinterest or did he se something he didn't like or someone else that he did?

He was like this last week, too. A bit more standoffish. Then, I showed up to work in what turned out to be the worlds sexiest turtleneck sweater and he couldn't stay away from me. I don't even think he had planned to make any time with me until he saw me in the flesh.

This week feels the same and I have no idea what I am walking into. Not a fan.

So I am back to manifesting strength, empowerment, and personal success. Focus on my job, move forward, hurrah! and whatnot.

I don't know if he's playing games or not, and I only have myself to fall back on.

Sunday, September 25, 2016

This is the MVP

I agree, this is no ordinary love; but, it is still a love of some kind or another, and I am having a really hard time treating this, acting, as if it is less than that love. And, I feel as though he is back to trying that.

I get the part that is just about sex, because the sex is so alive and so much fun. It's passionate and aggressive and slow and thoughtful. It could just be about that....

But there is more now, we both saw and felt it that one night we were away together. I need to see that more. See it and touch it. Spend 24+ hours with it. I want to be in its presence.

I think I might love him.

And if he's not willing to explore that world, let that happen a bit more, then it feels like I want to respect me by respecting the feelings I have for him and step back.

I don't know how well I can do that. He's like a magnet.

I think I am a magnet for him too. I think he gets to a point in the week where he thinks, I don't need or want her that badly at all,  and then I show up and that goes to shit.

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Slow Beat



It is like a sickness at times. My desire for him is so present it takes all of me to push him out of my head.

I think I see why he avoids me at times, I feel like saying, "you are taking up all of my mind space, I feel like I am holding my breath when I'm not with you, only exhaling again when you are around me, you are in my skin - and I need you to leave."

I can barely get things done right.

I find myself wanting to just do this to death already. Why are we prolonging this? Let's just be together the way it feels like we should be, and then we will likely see the folly of it much clearer, then we can laugh about it and let go.

Let's press the pleasure button so much that we break it. Seductively touching it every once in awhile and then hiding it again is driving me nuts.

I don't want to manifest the end though. I will let it be what it is and just focus on mitigating the connection that my brain has made. I will do my best to replace that exploding synapse with a gentle, repeating spark - the calm solidarity of my one.

A slow beat.

Monday, September 19, 2016

IT'S UNRELATED! BITCH!

I'm quitting smoking as of last night. SHUT UP. It has only 1% to do with him saying it. I was already 99% here, have already given it a couple of dry runs in the last few months.

But, you know what? I asked the (god damn) universe to make this decision easy and seamless for me, AND  I GUESS IT FUCKING DID. I guess this guy and the embarrassment I feel smoking around him, and the idea of him spending a solid 24 hours with me at my house and having to sneak cigarettes, was the final straw that pushed me over the edge.

But I didn't do it "for" him. Oh look, snooky, I quit smoking so you would love me more! I'd rather punch him in the face than do that.

No, I did it for me so that when I am around him I don't have to deal with this pain in the ass incessant need to smoke, and then washing myself like a Silkwood shower  to get rid of the stench.

So, yeah, now for the next week or two, you, should you decide to find/read this blog, will be subjected to the absolutely inane vile ramblings of nicotine withdrawal (and now that I have written out the word nicotine withdrawal, I will be subject to much spam regarding quitting. In advance of that, "fuck you, spam").

I have an e-cig ( bleh, more spam) and I will be using it, but I don't think it will be enough to save my grown-ass children from my wrath.

And should the Greek find out that I quit (especially right after he "requested" it), I will cut someone .

ps: fuck you.

Sunday, September 18, 2016

Somethings Up

Mixed bag today - too much love, passion, and a knowing unknowing stirring about.

This man is probably one of the most ridiculous choices I could make, yet I want more of him.

I feel as though I realize that this is due to how little we actually see each other (generally, once a week) and that there is so much space for desire to bubble - but then I don't know that for sure.

It is as if there is a chemical reaction that I have absolutely no control over, and this confounds me.

I was at the office for 4 days, 2 of which we were together for.

First night - as usual, much "love" making, a bit more deeper discussion and both of us revealing some more intimate details of our sexuality. Me letting him know that it's tough for me to climax during sex, it's not something I have figured out fully; where and how my body reacts, letting go, stopping mind chatter. I said that I start to think if I'm taking too long that he is getting bored...

He didn't call around the next night and I went out with some other work people.

Third day we had our big work event, the office was full and a buzz with more staff than usual, he seemed to be avoiding me a little bit and I brushed it off. In the evening, we had our big work dinner where he seemed to be avoiding eye contact with me - he started to piss me off. But then, we went out to the after dinner party (pub) where there was music. We are both big on dancing and ended up on the dance floor a fair bit together, he was normal again.

We danced together here and there. I still wasn't too sure where his head was at.

Let's recall that he is of the kind that, at times, changes his mind and flits away from me like a deer caught in headlights, or a young boy who's perhaps gotten all that he was looking for... or whatever the fuck it is that goes through his mind. 

The night finally came to an end and he left a little earlier than me sending me a message to meet him at his place - which of course I did -  and where we meet drunk sex for the first time.

You know how drunk sex goes -  when it's good, it's very good.

We were getting started, touching, holding, kissing, and he mutters, "I just wanted to touch you today and hug you... " (not the vibe I had been picking up on)

As we move on, I was getting close (ish - let's be real, sometimes you know it's not going to happen and you just have to give this eager young gun the gratification that he's done his job. Yes?) and, as he heard my moans and efforts to get there, he, the talker, said quietly that "I am here, I am enjoying this..." or something to that affect to let me know he wasn't getting bored of waiting for me.

Seriously? ^

Shit. How the fuck am I not supposed to connect to that? In this world where we balance so delicately between something like love and.... for fucksakes.... love. Ugh.

Final night there is yet another work party at the office. By this time, I am fucking exhausted having had about 2 hours sleep the night before.

I leave earlyish and say, "talk to you later" and he responds with a somewhat flat look in his eye "yeah, next week...."

As in, I wont be calling you tonight.

Now, this is fine that he doesn't call me (I'm exhausted) but the way he says it is like fingers down a chalk board to me. No, "Okay, well, I'm going to hang with guys, I guess I'll see you next week? I had a nice time...." Just "later."

It was just weird for me. Was I dealing with the cocky kid who was just fucking me for shits and  giggles and wasn't interested anymore? Was I going to have to go through that whole thing where he says "this is our last time..." and then he ignores me - cause if so, I wanted to be a little bit more ready.

I called him out on it the next day - said "Hey, I need a quick chat" and it did reek a bit of boyfriend/girlfriend kinda shit - but WTF?

Long story short, he said he knew as soon as he said it that it was going to piss me off and that he was annoyed with himself for not communicating better and annoyed with me for "barreling in" on his morning to discuss it.

We laughed about it, and I said "hey, you are you... and I am me. We both get to choose how much of the other person's stuff we can put up with"

Also, he did want to continue and had no wishes to stop it.


And then. THEN, as we were cuddling on his couch, softly touching and kissing, he asked me to quit smoking.

He said that at one point at the office party, when I was about to start a game with him but then went for a smoke with other co-workers, that he was mad at me for that.

He said he'd been thinking about it for a while, how to approach it. Ultimately he said he didn't want me to  quit for him but, as he lost his mother to cancer, just quit in general and for my kids.

It sits with me. Sits like an echo. What kind of non-relationship relationship are you in where you ask your other to quit smoking. It sits like an odd rock in a riverbed that has the potential of changing the direction of the water.

In some intuitive way, I just can't shake the feeling that this whole thing, for however long it lasts, is bigger than we both anticipate.

Monday, September 5, 2016

Kinda Love

There is a beautiful spot inside of me that feels like love. A gentle excitement and contentment. A sweetness.

It's scary as hell because he could take it away at any time.

He's not ready to succumb to whatever this is.

But I love spending time with him, I love him beside me.

We had a night away, just me and him. It was work related, but we were away, just me and him. It was lovely and natural.

He talks so much during sex, he's one of those people - people that I never thought I could endure because it's so macho or something. It makes me laugh.

When he thinks I'm getting close to orgasm, he does that thing where he says, "Yeah, that's right, you cum for me..."

Which makes me laugh but also throws me off because, you know, the pressure to preform. But then, the other night, I was really very close, I was there, and he was saying that, and I... let go. I listened to him, his voice in my ear, asking me, telling me to cum for him. And then I did. It was glorious and I felt so connected to him.

I think we kinda love each other, and I think I want that.

It's really nice.