Somethings Up

Mixed bag today - too much love, passion, and a knowing unknowing stirring about.

This man is probably one of the most ridiculous choices I could make, yet I want more of him.

I feel as though I realize that this is due to how little we actually see each other (generally, once a week) and that there is so much space for desire to bubble - but then I don't know that for sure.

It is as if there is a chemical reaction that I have absolutely no control over, and this confounds me.

I was at the office for 4 days, 2 of which we were together for.

First night - as usual, much "love" making, a bit more deeper discussion and both of us revealing some more intimate details of our sexuality. Me letting him know that it's tough for me to climax during sex, it's not something I have figured out fully; where and how my body reacts, letting go, stopping mind chatter. I said that I start to think if I'm taking too long that he is getting bored...

He didn't call around the next night and I went out with some other work people.

Third day we had our big work event, the office was full and a buzz with more staff than usual, he seemed to be avoiding me a little bit and I brushed it off. In the evening, we had our big work dinner where he seemed to be avoiding eye contact with me - he started to piss me off. But then, we went out to the after dinner party (pub) where there was music. We are both big on dancing and ended up on the dance floor a fair bit together, he was normal again.

We danced together here and there. I still wasn't too sure where his head was at.

Let's recall that he is of the kind that, at times, changes his mind and flits away from me like a deer caught in headlights, or a young boy who's perhaps gotten all that he was looking for... or whatever the fuck it is that goes through his mind. 

The night finally came to an end and he left a little earlier than me sending me a message to meet him at his place - which of course I did -  and where we meet drunk sex for the first time.

You know how drunk sex goes -  when it's good, it's very good.

We were getting started, touching, holding, kissing, and he mutters, "I just wanted to touch you today and hug you... " (not the vibe I had been picking up on)

As we move on, I was getting close (ish - let's be real, sometimes you know it's not going to happen and you just have to give this eager young gun the gratification that he's done his job. Yes?) and, as he heard my moans and efforts to get there, he, the talker, said quietly that "I am here, I am enjoying this..." or something to that affect to let me know he wasn't getting bored of waiting for me.

Seriously? ^

Shit. How the fuck am I not supposed to connect to that? In this world where we balance so delicately between something like love and.... for fucksakes.... love. Ugh.

Final night there is yet another work party at the office. By this time, I am fucking exhausted having had about 2 hours sleep the night before.

I leave earlyish and say, "talk to you later" and he responds with a somewhat flat look in his eye "yeah, next week...."

As in, I wont be calling you tonight.

Now, this is fine that he doesn't call me (I'm exhausted) but the way he says it is like fingers down a chalk board to me. No, "Okay, well, I'm going to hang with guys, I guess I'll see you next week? I had a nice time...." Just "later."

It was just weird for me. Was I dealing with the cocky kid who was just fucking me for shits and  giggles and wasn't interested anymore? Was I going to have to go through that whole thing where he says "this is our last time..." and then he ignores me - cause if so, I wanted to be a little bit more ready.

I called him out on it the next day - said "Hey, I need a quick chat" and it did reek a bit of boyfriend/girlfriend kinda shit - but WTF?

Long story short, he said he knew as soon as he said it that it was going to piss me off and that he was annoyed with himself for not communicating better and annoyed with me for "barreling in" on his morning to discuss it.

We laughed about it, and I said "hey, you are you... and I am me. We both get to choose how much of the other person's stuff we can put up with"

Also, he did want to continue and had no wishes to stop it.

And then. THEN, as we were cuddling on his couch, softly touching and kissing, he asked me to quit smoking.

He said that at one point at the office party, when I was about to start a game with him but then went for a smoke with other co-workers, that he was mad at me for that.

He said he'd been thinking about it for a while, how to approach it. Ultimately he said he didn't want me to  quit for him but, as he lost his mother to cancer, just quit in general and for my kids.

It sits with me. Sits like an echo. What kind of non-relationship relationship are you in where you ask your other to quit smoking. It sits like an odd rock in a riverbed that has the potential of changing the direction of the water.

In some intuitive way, I just can't shake the feeling that this whole thing, for however long it lasts, is bigger than we both anticipate.