Saturday, October 1, 2016

A Piece of Me

I feel better. I told him I don't want to keep this going, not like this. I said, "I am at your mercy and it's killing me, it's driving me nuts."

I said, "you are having your cake and eating it, too" and he agreed.

I told him that if this was going to continue, I would need him to put both feet in and give himself to the experience. His half in/half out, near/far, is driving me insane.

I didn't go there to give him an ultimatum, I just had to speak my mind.

He doesn't particularly want this to stop either, so it became that. I can only continue to do this if... 

In one of his arguments about why he was leery to put both feet in, he said if he was to do that, he would expect that I wouldn't sleep with anyone else, he would expect me to be faithful. I said "of course" with a look of confusion - because, of course.

I was surprised but flattered in some way, too that he thought he needed to confirm that. It also made me think he had put some thought into it.

He also said that he kept himself from falling in because he knows it wont last and if the does all those things that bond him to me, he's going to get his heart smashed.

I said, "of course we are, both of us."

I said how we only have short amount of time together, and that life hurts, we all get hurt and, generally speaking, nothing lasts forever, you can't outrun heartache and still live a real life. I reminded him that I just left a 20 year marriage and that being closer in age doesn't guarantee you a happy ever after, there is still heartache - even if you last a lifetime. You don't get out of here unscathed. I told him that it is not in my DNA to avoid something that feels so natural simply because it wont last and it might hurt.

I said that, "You know that we wont last, so you treat us as less. I know we wont last, but I don't treat us as less, and that that is the difference between us that is breaking me." I can't be at his beck and call like this.

And so we said that we would revisit this next time we see each other in two weeks, he said he would have to think about it. Then I kissed him goodbye and we touched and, as usual, my body warms, his face smiles...

I felt so relieved after that, so free from his grip on my mind wondering if he was half in or half out, waiting for the bottom to drop out.

And then the rest of the day at work was so much lighter, so good. We worked. Together. We still flirted... but I was still free.

and as I lay in bed last night and this morning, I just can't help but imagine and feel his body beside mine, laying together and talking. I close my eyes and remember his lips on mine, his hands on my body, and parts of him inside parts of me.

I will miss him should he not come with me. I hope he can see his way over this hurdle.

A piece of me loves a piece of him.


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