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I love him and he loves me.

But, as he notes, "it's not that kinda love, silly...."

He's right, it's not that kind of love. It's just a lovely love. A love love. A sweetness. A desire. A connection. A fit.

So, yeah, not that kind of love - the kind you make wedding plans, life plans, and project a future for. It's the kind of love that you can't avoid. The kind of love that sets fire to your body - a fire that smoulders and stirs your heart in ways you don't understand. The kind of love where I catch a glimpse of him sitting at his desk and some voice in my body thinks, ugh, I love him, because I know I can't stop this.

It's like it's coming from some other world.

The power was out at the husbands last night, you know, that twenty year relationship that I left almost a year ago now (and for the third time), so he came over here and watched a movie and spent the night. He didn't ask for sex (probably because I shot him down last time he asked), but even so, I felt the boundaries thicken. After twenty years of my fidelity belonging to him, it now belongs to someone else.

The Greek. I love him and he loves me.

It's him throwing around the love word. I feel it in my body and I hear it in my heart, but I don't say it.

After our two week break, it was him that said he missed me. Him that whispered in my ear that he loves fucking me, loves being inside of me... and that, although, it's "not that kind of love, silly" he does love me.

It is scary. Again, he admitted that he is scared and that he does push me away because he doesn't understand what he's doing and where this will all lead.

I'm scared, too. What he doesn't see yet is where my fear comes in.

He keeps me at an arms length, and what neither of us sees is that I do the same - it's just that his arm is longer than mine - so we haven't seen my scaredy-pants yet.

If he surrenders to this, I'm scared it will change it too much. I'm afraid we will ruin it.

But those times we've spent together outside of work, albeit small, have shown me differently. It all just came so naturally.

I loved being at his house, in his kitchen, and him walking up behind me and putting his arms around me as if we'd been doing this for years...

Sweet jesus. I'm in love.


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