Where Mental Real Estate is Slim

There's going to be a slew of writing now as I walk through this.

I just don't fucking know what or why I feel anything that I feel. I need to peel myself back from him when I have so much to say.

I told him, when he was saying that he meets other girls now (since us being together-ish) that they just never measure up. Since he's had this experience with me, other girls, closer to his age, seem empty and void. He said that he has never had a girl/woman give themselves completely to him - and I said, as I fiercely bit back tears at first,

[The Greek], I had a shit show of a life in the beginning, I experienced things that should have broken me, they should have destroyed my spirit... but they didn't. Instead, in order to survive all of it, my spirit got stronger and so much brighter - it shines like the sun in me because that experience didn't take me down. That's what you see, that's what you are attracted to, and I don't know how to be any other way.

Nor do I want to be.

Yes, I let him see all of my brightness. I let my heart shine. I opened my doors and windows.

But then, he makes comments during sex, such as, "You're so dirty..." like it's a good thing

and I realize that this is perhaps where I fucked up. I gave him that piece of me. That piece that I've often wondered where it comes from, does it stem from my natural sensuality or from my experience and trying to receive love for doing it the right way and being disrespectful to myself.

I don't think I am being disrespectful. I don't even think those things I do are dirty. I think they're intimate. I gave him that intimacy.

But I should't have given him that, I suppose. I shouldn't have trusted him with that, it was a big ask.

One of the last times I wrote, I asked the universe to show me what I need to know in this situation and I heard, "Let him go." That was during our 2 week break. And I thought I did, I thought I did enough. I guess not though, and here I am now, really having to let him go - like, having to have some self-respect kind of let him go. And when I ask the universe now to show me what I need to know in this situation... I hear, He will come back to you.

Again, that seems like something I would tell myself because it's what I want to hear and believe, but it has that sound to it, that outside of me voice sound.

And then, sure the voice says he will come back to you but they don't really say what I should do with that. Is that necessarily a good thing?

If he does come back, I suppose that is not something I need to know right now.

I don't know if I want him to come back, this is all a lot of drama.

He asked me, "did you not get satisfied?" and I said, "No, I didn't" and I wasn't sure in the moment why that was but having given it some thought I realize it is because he never gave all of himself to me or this.

He got all of me and sex. I got... sex (which, thumbs up and all), but I was still waiting for that piece of him.

To me we could have a fun and good fling and without withholding love and self, but he's not a place in his life where that makes sense. I just have to ask again, Universe, show me what I need to know in this situation.

I heard, "Wait."

For what it's worth.