Touching the Middle of Sweetness

Things move around and shift.  Some I like, some make me sad.

The universe seems to have a plan for me, twice now it has given me a someone that shows me it's time to leave my marriage, and, it appears, as soon as I listen, I lose the someone that inspired the decision to speak up.

Which is a bit of slight of hand, universe.

I'm hoping that this time that's not entirely true. I really liked this latest inspiration, I liked the little bits of time we spent together. I would like to have more of those.

When it first appeared, I asked for it to be something sweet. Now, I would like it to come back and I would like it to be lovely and a little enduring. Maybe not a life time of moments, but a good length of them.

Those moments had pieces of that kind of stillness where you cease to exist in this world and visit a different place, you know that kind of stillness?

I want to touch and be touched by it again and more. I miss it already.

I may have found a new home for me, fingers crossed that the owner picks me. It's beautiful and simple, and I believe it will foster my heart's growth.

It was his turn to say that "this has to stop," he said he was getting more attached to me and that current circumstances didn't bode well for us if feelings became stronger. He's very adamant that he should not have attached feelings. Whatever. I guess.

He doesn't know I'm leaving, it seems weird to tell him. I have to make this decision for me and only me right now. He was my physical evidence of just how removed I am from my marriage, and I must deal with that separately.

I just wish he didn't have to disappear once his "job" was done.

I've broken my husband's heart. He was very comfortable staying still where we are - or were. And I dreamed (always dreaming) of more: more connection, more lust, more passion, more life. And, as it happens, I'm more afraid of not taking my chances finding it again than I am of leaving the safety and comfort of what I have.

And so grace falls at my feet and all I can do is breath one breath at a time, slowly, taking it in.

Gods bless me.