Where I Leave Once Again

I told him we are separating, and in a not so unique, shouldn't have been a surprise, surprise... he's fine with it. Not happy, but resigned in a pleasant fashion.

This because he is numb as fuck. In hindsight, I shouldn't have been surprised. However, being as human as I am, as un numb as I am - I am, scientifically speaking, shocked.

I will miss my friend in the way we have each other now, but it is time.

I've reviewed hindsight and, I think, all that talk about being okay with living in his prison because I get to come and go was me just trying to convince myself that this was okay.

But at the bottom of that is the realization that I am already a single person, only I am stopped form moving forward and growing as sensual being (which doesn't stop moving forward on it's own, by the by) because of my commitment to someone who has chosen to stop living beyond their duty.

I reread a bunch of old writings and had to laugh at how long I have been missing passion, sensuality, and... connection; it's been going on since at least 2008, ramping up in earnest in my face in 2009.

And now, I am in front of something sweet. I would like to say that I am a lot more grown up and prepared this time. At least, I'm pretty sure that's true.

The slight attraction that started about a year ago, recently and suddenly kicked the door down, and I ran to it like the world was on fire.

It feels as if, finally, the gods have seen fit to release me from my wasteland and I get to physically experience a somewhat ferocious lust and passion and/or a sweet and lovely string of moments that exist like water.

It's very sweet. He's sweet. I enjoy him. I enjoy the energy that goes between us. I would like it to remain for a little while.

So the truth has physically manifested itself in a way that I can't talk myself out of how done I am. It would be irresponsible of me to stay.

For me and my life, I get to be alone again. To grow solid in my understanding. To feel... real. And hopefully, to enjoy time and love with lovely people as the journey continues.

That is my hope.