Rage Lite

Maybe... just maybe when I finally find a place and move out of the matrimonial home, this will stop?

I am in limbo, stuck in some surreal gap of having left but not having actually left. It's killing me a little bit.

And the holidays, oh my god, my partner has been home everyday and never going too far from me, like a puppy that thinks he's found his owner and doesn't dare stray too far.

I had to tell him again that I am actually leaving. Things have been so normal that he thought maybe it was just a phase I went through and was over it now.

In our house, it is as if nothing has changed. We are the exact same people as we break up that we are when we are together. Doesn't that scream... something? I'm sure it does but I can't put my finger on it.

I believe, that in order to cope with the middle ground, I am obsessing about other possibilities of love, passion etc. It doesn't help that I had a fabulous taste of it just a short while ago.  I dream of that persons arms around me as we lay in the sweaty aftermath.

I'm trying to find centre, but it's not easy. At this point, it is probably safer to admit defeat and stop trying to fight feeling like a volcano that is ready to burst. I am going to explode.

If only I could cry.