I Am No Longer his Number Three

I've found a new home, and once I accepted I freaked the fuck out. It's been a roller coaster of "this is going to be great" to "what the fuck am I doing?"

This morning, this moment, feels okay.

My friend, who was a part of what precipitated all this, is just that, a friend. A broken work friendship that is skewed and off balance and that I can't help but push for something a little more authentic between us. I've embarrassed myself by trying to talk to him about it - to release some of the pressure that I feel in all this unknowing.

I mean, all I asked was that he appreciate that what happened ended up having more significance in my life as a whole, and that, perhaps, as a friend, he could have a bit more empathy that I am way off kilter in this all. Perhaps he could be a little less of a friend from the shoulders up and perhaps have a little heart, too.

I guess I just wanted him to be a friend enough that he check in, that he cared where I was at. But, he's 27. He may even feel bad and some what responsible and so is really keeping me at arms length. Or, he's 27 and is thinking, "ugh, I just wanted to have a good time, I don't want to deal with your shit..."

Either way, I'm pretty alone in this all and that is, I suppose, as it should be.

Some moments I'm really okay with that. Other moments, I second guess my actions and decision to leave a secure and comfortable relationship - wherein I was stalled, muted, frozen.

My brain says, was I though? Or was I just bored?

Only hindsight will be able to answer those questions. Remembering back though, the two years we first split up, I didn't feel that way. I didn't feel like I had made the wrong decision. I don't recall feeling overly lonely and bored. I remember feeling awkward at first, but after that, it just seemed peaceful.

I slept better and later, I was in my routine. I imagine the same thing will happen here.

I imagine and I hope.

I hope too that my friend will be okay with me. I hope that he talks to his brother and gets some insight as to how he might have some more grace and depth with me - his friend of which he has intimate knowledge.

He's young though, and my intuition tells me that he's shut himself off from parts of the world so as to avoid getting hurt, having lost his mother who he was very connected to, and now his father too.

It's that, or he really is Ted from Bridesmaids which would be a little bit more shocking...