Silly Girl

I don't know why I feel like throwing up today. Anxiety bubbles. It seems to stem from the fact that I sent a picture of my cat sitting on the edge of my bath tub while I was in it - you can see a small part of my leg.

This (Greek) person I sent it to loves my cat (and enjoys me naked) - so I sent it. It got no response.

This person likes to laugh kindly at my girl like nature to assume that no response equals dislike, disinterest, or lack of affection/appreciation. They may even like to challenge it.

Making that small move for me was giving up some vulnerability, admitting in some way that I like them more than I should and trying to pass it off as just a picture of my cat. Very silly girl.

So, I made myself vulnerable and now I want to puke. Interesting.

The only thing I know to do in these times is to surrender to the feeling of vulnerability. Yes, I did that  and then humbly accept the outcome.

and then comes the talk: Just focus on work, Silly Girl. Put your blinders on and focus on success and G.O.D (Good Orderly Direction). It's okay to do silly things and to show that side of you and it's okay if those things go unreciprocated - that doesn't mean you lack value. 

It's okay. Do your thing and walk strong with the rest of the world. 

Let it go, if to comes back to you - you'll know. You are not wrong.

Dear Universe, show me the love. Show me I am safe.

A Pleasant and Wisely Charmed Life

The universe has been so good at brining me things I have asked for. I have tried my best to be humble and ask for the best of me to come forward, to have sweet things enter my life - accepting now that I do deserve sweet things, too.

Life has been hard. Sadistic sexual abuse happening as part of my very first memories and experiences, the aftermath of that abuse, the way it shaped the way I felt and the choices I made. Drug and alcohol addiction - the lovely losers that were my teachers. Poverty and lack of education. All these were the building blocks of my adult life. They were very hard to scale, but I did it.

The entirety of my life does not need to be hard, this is what I realized. This is why I began to look to the universe and ask for something sweet. It's as if I woke up one day and realized the words I speak to my children, you can have anything you want. So, what did I want?

Sweetness. Laughter. Truth. Love.

I've worked so hard all my life to overcome those adversities that were given to me, I have focused my life on that work. I will always continue the work, but now I want to change my focus.

Deserve isn't the right word. After all that hard work, I deserve something sweet, but I can't find a better one right now.

Maybe it's after all that hard work,  I am ready to let sweetness, love, laughter, and truth in. Yes, that is it.

I wouldn't let it in, I wasn't willing to have people in my life that hadn't experienced life the way I had. They were not a fit. I needed those hard, dirty people around me. My people. Those of my people that had chosen to live a better life but still carried the scars. The wounded. I was one of the wounded.

I am not anymore. I do not wish to live out the rest of my life on the backs of my scars. I'm ready to let those go. I am ready to accept a different kind of love. An innocent love, free of battle boundaries.

Now, universe, the only boundaries I ask for are love, kindness, and truth. If this type of free love challenges me to be more open, less guarded, then I aspire to be ready. From the bottom of my soul.

I also ask for balance so that I can bring the best of me into my work, the success of this company and my coworkers.  I ask for the wisdom, ambition, and success.

For my children, I ask for the purest of love to act as their strength to build their lives, their truths, their passions.

For Chris, I pray - with all my heart - that he will find the same epiphany I did, the willingness to let joy in. To not ride the rest of this life out on the backs of scars.

For me, I ask for a pleasant and wisely charmed life.

Take a Chance on Me

Epiphany:  I want to do fun things, adventurous things, SUP'ing, music, arting, etc...


I had day dreams of doing some of these with the Greek, but instead he's going to do them with some one his own fucking age. Fabulous.

And I thought, well that doesn't stop me from finding other people to do those things with, I could do them  with anybody - but that didn't hit the spot. That was not the actual thing I wanted or want.

And then it hit me like a punch in the gut.

I want someone to want to do those things with me. I want a romance wherein somebody likes me enough to say, "Hey, let's go do fun things!"

And I looked back on my life and realized I've never had a relationship with someone where I've experienced that.

I've been watching romantic movies all my life because I long to have a fun, healthy, passionate, firey, alive relationship.

I can't believe the two main men in my life have been so emotionally deadened. Closed up. Left the building.

And I believe I chose them because they were safe. They would always keep their distance from me, and I could complain about it as if I was the more evolved person.

Dear Universe, I don't want to play it safe anymore - not like that. I'm ready to open up to love. Scared, but, I think, ready.  I'm ready to take a chance.

Feeling Slightly? Pathetic

"The truth shall set you free but first it will piss you off" 

- G. Steinem

One of my old blogger friends, who ended up becoming a Facebook friend, shared this quote. At first I was like, ya, that's a good one *keep scrolling by*.

And then, as another old blogger friend used to say, my brain went Wait, what?

You see, it's been a glorious June/July with the Greek - although not without its fair share of fucked up drama as well. Our last time together, 1 week ago, was fun (as usual) but then also, it had a lot of tenderness to it to. Things that felt a lot like love things. Intensity that you... I don't know, could see, feel, hear.

He had Sade on and at one point the song This is no Ordinary Love comes on and he sings the chorus an then laughs lightly saying something like she's got that right meaning... "ours" is no ordinary love.

Because he feels it, too.

but the TRUTH is:

He doesn't see this going anywhere, he doesn't consider me as someone he would spend time with outside of bed.

Because I am... old.er.

What a simple truth - wherein lies freedom from the hope of something more, the dangling truth of what I am actually looking for and will not find with him.

The big truth here for me is "what I am actually looking for," that's the one that pissed me off first. Then it was the fact he doesn't see me like that, that pissed me off second. Two truths for the price of one.

I was convincing myself that this was all I wanted but secretly I envisioned enjoying each others company in other ways too. Building a relationship that was not overly serious but not just sex.

Our last night together, we had, apparently, both decided it should be the last. Me because he's just too confused and young. Him because he's decided that he wants to open himself up to the potential of a serious relationship (with someone his own age. ugh). He had meet a girl he was interested in pursuing and said, "I want to give it a fair shot and I can't if I'm always thinking of you."

And so now, he's pursing. They have a date on Monday - to do SOMETHING FUN.

I want to do SOMETHING FUN! And also, you know, bully for him.

what-the-fuck-ever.