Silly Girl

I don't know why I feel like throwing up today. Anxiety bubbles. It seems to stem from the fact that I sent a picture of my cat sitting on the edge of my bath tub while I was in it - you can see a small part of my leg.

This (Greek) person I sent it to loves my cat (and enjoys me naked) - so I sent it. It got no response.

This person likes to laugh kindly at my girl like nature to assume that no response equals dislike, disinterest, or lack of affection/appreciation. They may even like to challenge it.

Making that small move for me was giving up some vulnerability, admitting in some way that I like them more than I should and trying to pass it off as just a picture of my cat. Very silly girl.

So, I made myself vulnerable and now I want to puke. Interesting.

The only thing I know to do in these times is to surrender to the feeling of vulnerability. Yes, I did that  and then humbly accept the outcome.

and then comes the talk: Just focus on work, Silly Girl. Put your blinders on and focus on success and G.O.D (Good Orderly Direction). It's okay to do silly things and to show that side of you and it's okay if those things go unreciprocated - that doesn't mean you lack value. 

It's okay. Do your thing and walk strong with the rest of the world. 

Let it go, if to comes back to you - you'll know. You are not wrong.

Dear Universe, show me the love. Show me I am safe.