The reasons seem obvious, but also not. I don't knowingly feel overwhelmed by Christmas. I both reject and accept it. I hate the commercialism but love the coziness of it. So, why does it make me feel anxious? And why do I start to reject absolutely everything?
It's gross. I hate this feeling. This idea that I am enjoying aspects of the season but feeling so apathetic.
Such a conflict.
And I remember the years past feeling like I was losing ground only to have January come about and I feel normal again.
Is it family? Is it expectations? Who's expectations? Mine?
For the last twenty years, Christmas has been my job to pull off. I've got to say - it's a fucking lot to ask of someone. While I try and let go of that expectation on myself, the habit remains. It's twenty years in the making.
So, what shall I do?
I shall accept the odds, I suppose. Surrender to my incompatibility and put thoughts and feelings on a shelf for now. I will review them in the new year when the air clears of this ambiguity.
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