Live Long and Prosper

It is a truly strange feeling I have these days. There is a sadness that sits rather beautifully on my heart. An aloneness. An awareness of being alone in the world.

I suppose because I am quickly approaching a time where my kids will be on their own and I will be living a professional life (that I always strived for) in my home town - I'll be like I was 23 or so years ago (less the profession). Only, it's different because I am different.

A new chapter, a big chapter, is beginning. I can feel that I don't fit where I am anymore. I may not fit there either, I may not find a community, but I do have hope.

The Greek and I have watched movies together over the phone two nights in a row, spending the whole night together, talking afterwards. It's... interesting in a people way. A study of people, of me, of him, of this place we are experiencing.

It appears that we simply enjoy each others company and we're both alone, so... why not? I don't feel like I'm at the same place where I have delusions of what we will or could be. Although, of course, my mind can't help but see possibilities, given how we are together and the connection that we seem to have - how could we not be together?

But, I seem to have grown past that, accepted its current state and have a finer appreciation for it - because getting close to being "together" was scary as hell.

I honestly feel like I don't want to be with someone in that way, not right now. As much as my deeply romantic heart wants to tell a story of the Greek and I, my body knows that odds are against that and I will likely have to cut my losses more than bask in the glow of a sweet love.

But, he loves me. I can feel that. I don't even think he realizes how much and how deeply... sometimes I'm afraid that it is me that is going to hurt him when he changes his mind. I told him last night, "You know, when you tell me that you don't want to be with me, I have to believe you."

And I said that because sometimes I think he's testing love without realizing it. And now, he's told me to go, left me no other option, and when I go, when I meet another lover, he'll have yet another perspective to internalize.

When is said that, he replied simply, "I know, " he said.  And maybe he does know, but something in me tells me he doesn't quite. I realize this is kinda of a bullshit thing to say, but there are not many people like me, and if you fall in love with me (and I you), it has a very long shelf life. At least, that is my experience so far. And, I suppose, I kind of worry - that he's letting me go with no understanding of the loss when I finally do go. And that when I'm gone, I'm gone.

But, he's young, so he'll have much time to process it and, eventually, meet someone else and live a full life with them.

And in the end, he's probably right, we'll just look at each other and smile: it was good, it was beautiful, I'm okay, I release you.

Maybe I'm totally wrong on this one, my spidey sense thrown off, once again, by the lure of the hardcore romantic. The story teller.  Long live the story teller.