This New Thing, Part II

We had a quick chat, it started with him asking how I was, "I'm all right" I said with a highly suggestive tone that I was not quite. So, he opened up the door. I said, "I just have a lot of questions, both from an emotional stand point and human curiosity."

I told him how I had been thinking about my position in all of this, how I was comparing it to me leaving my husband and how, potentially, my husband felt: confused, sad, hopeful that I would come back. And how, in comparison to my husband, I felt nothing but slight empathy for him - but there was no attraction or desire to be with him ever again.

Between the Greek and I, was I my husband in this scenario and the Greek was me? Was he that gone? That detached? That careless?

And in that same vein, was he that over it? And if so, how much of it was fear based and how much was it genuinely meh, I'm over it. Next thrill please!

And, in keeping with that, was it more so that excitement that he liked about us? Was he just after the roller coaster ride?

In the human interest side, how did he just turn it off? He has this way of cutting things off so... can't find the word... . So, absolutely. It's a little stunning. I can only think that in order for someone to be able to do that, as me with my husband, the love/attraction was just not there.

So, I got to say all these things, which is a majority of the need for me. He answered them - rather the same as he always has. Yes, some of it is fear based and, a probably equal portion, he also just wasn't as attracted enough anymore.

I felt better having said all my things, it was a load off my chest.

He let me know that he is potentially planning a trip in the fall, a 4-6 week trip to Greece. A part of my heart sunk. In some place in my heart, I had imagined us  travelling (sounds laughable now) somewhere like that. After I got over myself and given that I felt lighter having said all I wanted to - I was very happy at the idea of him doing that. Happy for him.

After saying all the words, I was able to see all his youth, his confusion. He's got a lot to sort out. He should go. I should not be in his way. I am a distraction.

I felt happier with the idea of not being his distraction and he mine. I felt lighter, more ready to gracefully let go of him.

At work, he still likes to be with me most of the time. Close to me.

At the end of the conversation, I said that it all happened so abruptly and weirdly. I told him that I am an intuitive person, and to me, this didn't feel done. And it doesn't, it's just that I see more clearly today that I have no idea what direction it will take to be done.

There is still something there that hasn't been crossed, the thing that we were supposed to give or be with each other. Maybe it will show itself in the greater space of not being with each other.

Maybe.. as with the misery portion of my life, enough time will pass that this strong connection I feel with another human will show itself as nothing more than that - a strong connection that I once felt. There was no deeper meaning. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

Maybe, in the end, I'm just stuck on the hopeless romantic side of this stick.

It felt like love though. Even with the Misery dude, it felt like love, to me. And, I think it was love - as the Greek has said, a certain type of love. As in, a passing appreciation of another...

Perhaps it's just new territory to me. Forever new.