Muse

So, ummm... we're back in yet another version of us: two people who deeply appreciate each other as friends, people, and lovers.

I feel wholly good with this. Frankly, I didn't know what I was going to do without the part time sex, contact, and intimacy.

He came over last night, and we just were. We fucked, we made love, and my body let go of the breath it didn't know it was holding.

We agreed we are temporary and that he is looking for someone permanent in his life. He encouraged me to do the same, siting that I would feel a big void when he does find someone. I told him he was right - and that it was not that my eyes were closed to meeting other people, but rather that is not my priority in the same way it is his. Which is to say, unless it happens naturally, I am simply going to have to face the void that hits me when he moves on, because where his priority is a relationship, my priority is writing (and it must be). And then I told him that I believed he was my muse. Perhaps, I have never been closer to the truth.

He said, "I can't lie, I miss you, a lot." And I missed him, too. I missed his body. I missed his hands. It's strange the things you can fall in love with - I love his hands.

I love the love that we share during sex, and I'm in awe that it can exist outside of the context of a relationship. There is something very pretty about that.

In our last version, I was becoming very nervous about being in a relationship with him... it was going to kill it in me. I feel relieved that we are not going down that road and, perhaps, I just needed to see that for myself. He seemed to already know that.

He suggested we spend another night this week together ( ;) ).

I am relieved to have him back in this way. It allows me to have the intimacy and sex my body craves so that I can let that go and focus on the projects I am working on. To a degree, whether it is him or someone else, I need someone part time in my life where I can blow off that steam and feel satiated enough to not pine for it when I should be writing.

So, there it is. We'll see how long this round lasts and hope that it transitions kindly in each of our favours. Which means, universe, when it's time... I would like something pleasant and light, grown up and hot, to take its place.

More importantly, universe, I would ask to be part of a community that meets my mind and soul and allows me to grow as a writer.