50 and Crashing

This age range: where your hormones are slowly ghosting you, you don't recognize your budding crone-self in the mirror, but you've finally hit your professional stride, but your parents are aging, dying or dead, and your kids are grown up but there's still a very blurry line between them needing you and not needing you - it's a lot. 

Obviously, my world is spinning. Obviously, I'm going to say whoa, can we take a break here? I think I'm going to be sick. And obviously, there doesn't appear to be a lot of hope for it. It's a lot and all I can do is keep my eye on the horizon and ride this storm out. 

All this to say that it makes sense that I'm sad on the deep down inside. I'm sad and it feels really reasonable to allow the sadness some room to explore itself with quiet reflection - which often looks like me starring into the abyss from the couch. 

In the face of societies self help, gratitude having, live your best life marketing machine, staring into the abyss from your couch doesn't sound like the right choice. Yet, my inner voice is clear. Be still, be sad. 

In exercise's corner, I have a better sleep when I drag myself out for a long, still sad and reflective, walk. Given that sleep is my one true "stop the world, I want to get off" friend, I do my best to drag myself out for an exhaustive walk. Exhaustive walking seems to be part of the good medicine for elevating my sadness. 

Hitting my professional stride means that I can afford to pay for a foot massage after the long walk. 

These are the things I do now, and I do them with a heavy heart. 

I think it's supposed to be heavy. I shouldn't try and stop that. I should listen - hear - it. It's okay to be sad. In a world that tells you that sad means something's wrong, it's hard to accept that. I'm slowly accepting it. 

I am sad.

Sad makes you tired, sad zaps creativity, sad diminishes the appetite, sad excludes community. Sad is a rest stop that begs for your attention. You need it. Take the rest. 

Trust yourself that you wont stay here longer than you need to. Have faith  that you will find a way to be a  good friend to the process, and that your energy will be restored.

Go ahead, crash.