I had to read the last post to remember that I already decided not to question my lack of umph. But, I'm here to dig more regardless. 

I'm curious as to why I feel at odds with my surroundings. I'm tired of my furniture, it reeks of the life I grew up in. It's my mother in me. I've remade the home that she made. I did this because I loved growing up in it. But now, I loath it. Like somehow, it was a lie. It was a lie then and an even bigger lie now. 

I scan homes that I could buy and I imagine my "new" self in them. Then I will be at peace. I shop online for a new look: furniture, clothes. But when I find a home or look that I like, the excitement is replaced by revulsion in split second. What thought took place in that micro second that sent from Yes! to belly that screamed no... that is not the answer. It's bad. 

What's the psychology here? Am I stopping myself from enjoying life in a way that I can now afford because: 

• I think I don't deserve it? 
• It's a betrayal of where I've come from to be seen as 'rich'?
• It's not 'me'
• I know or think it wont fix me? I am unfixable, so don't waist money

All of the above are true in their own way. And this god damn change in my hormones is not helping any of it. 

This is the bullshit that is. Where are all the crones at? Can you tell me if I have to take HRT or if my body will level out again? Can I wait this out?