Just...

Wow. We had such a lovely night last night. And an even lovelier morning. I don't even think words could do it justice. It was so simple and just, just. My heart be so full.

This morning, he was working on my orgasm, trying to find the ways. He said, "talk to me, tell me what's working, tell me what to do..."

And he said, whispered in my ear as he was making love to me, "I can feel when you get close, I can feel your body change... and then it goes away. What's that about?"

It was a lovely, quiet moment of love making. I was trying to open to it, and I said, "I don't know," and tears sprung to my eyes because he saw it, he saw me, very gently.

He saw or felt my tears and just said, "I love you..."

Fuck. me. This couldn't be more amazing and lovely... and sweet.

Other worldly; I swear to god. I love him. With all my heart.

Sigh

I came into town last night to be ready for early meetings today, we met up for dinner at a healthy joint so that he could feed me healthy food because I'm sick.

When I walked in, his smile was lovely. He even winked, something that seems so trite yet always steals my heart.

After dinner we just walked aimlessly on a beautiful spring night. Holding hands. Not kissing, because, you know, I'm sick. And he's, you know, germs.

Once again, I have no idea who we are or where we're going, but today... I love him for free.

Also, I'm really sick and we have meetings from 8am right till 6pm, software testing. I might not make it.

In other news: I've found RedBull

The Stillness of Some Kind of Sweet Love

We talk almost every day now, every night. Last night, one of the first things he said was, "I wish you were here tonight, just to sleep with and hold."

My moving date, to return to my home town where he also is, may have got bumped up by two months, he said I could stay with him for a while if I needed. What???

This is a strange new setting for us. Of course, I wouldn't stay with him - that would be most odd and dangerous, perhaps? He would freak out, I'm sure. Also, lord knows I need my own home.

But. But, but, but... . How very sweet.

Then he asked, "Look, are you moving down here soon regardless of whether this deal goes through?"

I replied, "Yes, they are selling the house. Ima have to move."

"Good," he said.

This is a one day at a time kinda thing, no promises accept for the one where he kinda promised this wasn't a forever thing for him. But being with him in the right here and now makes my body warm with love. I simply can't deny that.

Sleeping with him, knowing he's there beside me, waking up in the middle of the night and, either him moving to hold me, hold my hand as we sleep, or me holding him... it's so lovely and sweet.

Waking up early and getting ready while he sleeps, leaving before him, kissing him good bye. It's lovely and sweet.

I hope we can share more moments of common life together. The stillness of some kind of sweet love.

Week in Review

It's been a really good week, or couple of weeks. The Greek and I are experiencing a nice flow. We were going to take a break from sex this week, just hang out and cuddle, which was more a game of seduction than anything else. I enjoyed it.

He said I was taking him to new levels as I fucked him and demanded that he not cum - damn, makes me crazy just thinking about it.

He said at one point, "I love you so fucking much - in so many ways..."

I have no idea who we are, but I love us and I love our sex.

I have no idea where we will go.

Live Long and Prosper

It is a truly strange feeling I have these days. There is a sadness that sits rather beautifully on my heart. An aloneness. An awareness of being alone in the world.

I suppose because I am quickly approaching a time where my kids will be on their own and I will be living a professional life (that I always strived for) in my home town - I'll be like I was 23 or so years ago (less the profession). Only, it's different because I am different.

A new chapter, a big chapter, is beginning. I can feel that I don't fit where I am anymore. I may not fit there either, I may not find a community, but I do have hope.

The Greek and I have watched movies together over the phone two nights in a row, spending the whole night together, talking afterwards. It's... interesting in a people way. A study of people, of me, of him, of this place we are experiencing.

It appears that we simply enjoy each others company and we're both alone, so... why not? I don't feel like I'm at the same place where I have delusions of what we will or could be. Although, of course, my mind can't help but see possibilities, given how we are together and the connection that we seem to have - how could we not be together?

But, I seem to have grown past that, accepted its current state and have a finer appreciation for it - because getting close to being "together" was scary as hell.

I honestly feel like I don't want to be with someone in that way, not right now. As much as my deeply romantic heart wants to tell a story of the Greek and I, my body knows that odds are against that and I will likely have to cut my losses more than bask in the glow of a sweet love.

But, he loves me. I can feel that. I don't even think he realizes how much and how deeply... sometimes I'm afraid that it is me that is going to hurt him when he changes his mind. I told him last night, "You know, when you tell me that you don't want to be with me, I have to believe you."

And I said that because sometimes I think he's testing love without realizing it. And now, he's told me to go, left me no other option, and when I go, when I meet another lover, he'll have yet another perspective to internalize.

When is said that, he replied simply, "I know, " he said.  And maybe he does know, but something in me tells me he doesn't quite. I realize this is kinda of a bullshit thing to say, but there are not many people like me, and if you fall in love with me (and I you), it has a very long shelf life. At least, that is my experience so far. And, I suppose, I kind of worry - that he's letting me go with no understanding of the loss when I finally do go. And that when I'm gone, I'm gone.

But, he's young, so he'll have much time to process it and, eventually, meet someone else and live a full life with them.

And in the end, he's probably right, we'll just look at each other and smile: it was good, it was beautiful, I'm okay, I release you.

Maybe I'm totally wrong on this one, my spidey sense thrown off, once again, by the lure of the hardcore romantic. The story teller.  Long live the story teller.

I'm sure I've written drunk at some point in my life before, but I don't recall it. So, now feels like the first.

We spent two very lovely nights together. I came. We pretty much came together - which is what he wanted, he said. We had breakfast together this morning, a morning after spending the night, loving each other through the night in that non committal way,  - in public.

What is this most beautiful thing? Nothing and everything. Just for now. Just in this moment.

Like a gust of wind.

Muse

So, ummm... we're back in yet another version of us: two people who deeply appreciate each other as friends, people, and lovers.

I feel wholly good with this. Frankly, I didn't know what I was going to do without the part time sex, contact, and intimacy.

He came over last night, and we just were. We fucked, we made love, and my body let go of the breath it didn't know it was holding.

We agreed we are temporary and that he is looking for someone permanent in his life. He encouraged me to do the same, siting that I would feel a big void when he does find someone. I told him he was right - and that it was not that my eyes were closed to meeting other people, but rather that is not my priority in the same way it is his. Which is to say, unless it happens naturally, I am simply going to have to face the void that hits me when he moves on, because where his priority is a relationship, my priority is writing (and it must be). And then I told him that I believed he was my muse. Perhaps, I have never been closer to the truth.

He said, "I can't lie, I miss you, a lot." And I missed him, too. I missed his body. I missed his hands. It's strange the things you can fall in love with - I love his hands.

I love the love that we share during sex, and I'm in awe that it can exist outside of the context of a relationship. There is something very pretty about that.

In our last version, I was becoming very nervous about being in a relationship with him... it was going to kill it in me. I feel relieved that we are not going down that road and, perhaps, I just needed to see that for myself. He seemed to already know that.

He suggested we spend another night this week together ( ;) ).

I am relieved to have him back in this way. It allows me to have the intimacy and sex my body craves so that I can let that go and focus on the projects I am working on. To a degree, whether it is him or someone else, I need someone part time in my life where I can blow off that steam and feel satiated enough to not pine for it when I should be writing.

So, there it is. We'll see how long this round lasts and hope that it transitions kindly in each of our favours. Which means, universe, when it's time... I would like something pleasant and light, grown up and hot, to take its place.

More importantly, universe, I would ask to be part of a community that meets my mind and soul and allows me to grow as a writer.