I'm feeling lost. Perhaps disconnected. It's as if the Greek and I have been playing for pole position for the past year. I've been in the lead for the past year, which has cause him much discord. Now, I am, rightfully so, stepping out of that position.
I was needed there and, I believe, if his ego and logic could have seen that, this madness would have been over quicker.
Now that I've been in the pole position for this project, I have lost some footing in where I should have been all along - ?
I need to realign. I need to pray. I need to find my most humble spot and begin to learn. I need to open my eyes to those around me and be where I am needed. Spiritually enough, this applies to my personal life as well. I've been consumed, and, as such, blind to my surroundings.
Perhaps this feeling of lost doesn't have be so ominous. Perhaps, once again, I'm exactly where I need to be.
Perhaps it's time for my friend (the Greek) to shine, and me getting out of his way could mean a more real, grounded, and sustainable work-me.
All I can do is trust that I have something to offer and humbly allow for the idea that, at some point, my contributions could become redundant. And that if that was the case, it would only mean the opportunity to move into something that was better aligned with my self.
The ground can shake and I can still be okay.
Friday, February 16, 2018
Saturday, January 27, 2018
Fuck. You.
We got the chance to talk enough for me to say something like - look, you're doing the push/pull thing with me. One moment your lovey and the next moment you have this professional boundary or, this was new this morning, he didn't want to tell me but he's been fighting off a cold and has been since we got here....
Are you fucking kidding me? You have a cold? And that's why you come into my room and and kiss me but I can't do the same to you. Because, you want your space but only when you want it and it's cool that you send me mix signals, kiss me when you want to and otherwise treat me like I'm a buddy co worker mother fucker bullshit head game shit.
So, I end it saying. "Look it's fine, I'm just really annoyed with your on/off approach to me. It doesn't feel like I can just be me. Just let me be annoyed and don't pretend everything is normal."
To which he said, "Okay that sounds fair to me."
I don't want to look at him. I don't want to make fake smiles. I'm fucking annoyed and pissed off. Go away, go snowboard, if you want space - then FUCKING TAKE IT. Don't come have some kisses when you want it and then shut off completely. Basically, he calls the shots and comes and goes as he pleases. Not working for me. Thanks anyways.
So, that's it. I'm annoyed and I don't want to make pretend small talk. And I have every right to be annoyed at his "have my cake and eat it too."
Not my jam.
Oh, and yeah, after we settled on my be annoyed, he's walking around singing, "You've lost that loving feeling..."
and if I was to suggest that he was sending a secret message kinda thing, he would deny it.
Not cool.... brah.
Are you fucking kidding me? You have a cold? And that's why you come into my room and and kiss me but I can't do the same to you. Because, you want your space but only when you want it and it's cool that you send me mix signals, kiss me when you want to and otherwise treat me like I'm a buddy co worker mother fucker bullshit head game shit.
So, I end it saying. "Look it's fine, I'm just really annoyed with your on/off approach to me. It doesn't feel like I can just be me. Just let me be annoyed and don't pretend everything is normal."
To which he said, "Okay that sounds fair to me."
I don't want to look at him. I don't want to make fake smiles. I'm fucking annoyed and pissed off. Go away, go snowboard, if you want space - then FUCKING TAKE IT. Don't come have some kisses when you want it and then shut off completely. Basically, he calls the shots and comes and goes as he pleases. Not working for me. Thanks anyways.
So, that's it. I'm annoyed and I don't want to make pretend small talk. And I have every right to be annoyed at his "have my cake and eat it too."
Not my jam.
Oh, and yeah, after we settled on my be annoyed, he's walking around singing, "You've lost that loving feeling..."
and if I was to suggest that he was sending a secret message kinda thing, he would deny it.
Not cool.... brah.
Work Ish
We're at a ski resort, it's a you-work-at-an-awesome-place thing. The company puts us up at chalet and we ski, snowboard, drink, play games and just all around have an awesome time. My friend, the Greek, is experiencing polar opposite feelings for me while we here.
From the moment we got up to the mountain, we were/are buddies. There was none of his schmoopy, schmoopines. No, damn I want to fuck you like there always is. Now, one doesn't have to be the world's most intuitive person to pick up on that shift (although he was rather impressed by my accuracy), and you know what... I was (am-ish) okay with it. I came straight out and put it on the table and he beat around the push for only a minute or two. You could see he contemplated the "what? Nothing's different, you crazy girl" approach but then rather quickly gave that at up when he recognized the "I can see the truth, it's right there in between us. I'm not going to stop this until you admit it" all in a dude, it's fine lightness. And it was, is alright. ish.
He's been boarding with me even though I nearly demand he go with the guys so that he can have his space and be away from me (because, as he said, we're together all the time. True story, I totally get it). At one point he even drew a heart in the snow.
Back at the lodge, he's stole a few kisses here and there when I guess I have succeeded in attracting him. But that's the thing, the catch...
Since this weekend started, all I have felt is that I'm teetering this fine line of "okay, you did something cute and I remember why I love you" an/to/or "and now you just said a word that I don't like and I remember why I don't like you anymore," and so I get across the room sweet look or oh are you here, too? Cool, see ya avoidance. It's fucking pissing me off.
We just had some alone time where, in another time (like last week) he would have taken that moment to steal some kisses and touch me and love me and call me his kitty, and he didn't even sit beside me and started making "the weather this and that" conversation.
Um, do you even know me at all???????? Ugh. Everyone's up. To be continued.
From the moment we got up to the mountain, we were/are buddies. There was none of his schmoopy, schmoopines. No, damn I want to fuck you like there always is. Now, one doesn't have to be the world's most intuitive person to pick up on that shift (although he was rather impressed by my accuracy), and you know what... I was (am-ish) okay with it. I came straight out and put it on the table and he beat around the push for only a minute or two. You could see he contemplated the "what? Nothing's different, you crazy girl" approach but then rather quickly gave that at up when he recognized the "I can see the truth, it's right there in between us. I'm not going to stop this until you admit it" all in a dude, it's fine lightness. And it was, is alright. ish.
He's been boarding with me even though I nearly demand he go with the guys so that he can have his space and be away from me (because, as he said, we're together all the time. True story, I totally get it). At one point he even drew a heart in the snow.
Back at the lodge, he's stole a few kisses here and there when I guess I have succeeded in attracting him. But that's the thing, the catch...
Since this weekend started, all I have felt is that I'm teetering this fine line of "okay, you did something cute and I remember why I love you" an/to/or "and now you just said a word that I don't like and I remember why I don't like you anymore," and so I get across the room sweet look or oh are you here, too? Cool, see ya avoidance. It's fucking pissing me off.
We just had some alone time where, in another time (like last week) he would have taken that moment to steal some kisses and touch me and love me and call me his kitty, and he didn't even sit beside me and started making "the weather this and that" conversation.
Um, do you even know me at all???????? Ugh. Everyone's up. To be continued.
Wednesday, November 15, 2017
Like the Wind
Feelin' some stuff, not sure what it is. The Greek - what is happening? He seems to be... unravelling? Or, the veil I had over my own eyes is unravelling? Am I seeing what I was willing to overlook before? Perhaps a mix of the two - I saw hints of it because he didn't show it as much, but now he is relaxing more and showing more of that side of himself and I'm not as willing to see past it.
He's a bit of a moody, insolent child at times. I simply don't invite that into my daily life, I don't invite that behaviour to my parties, ya know? And if it shows up at my party, I generally end up saying, "Sorry, not sure how you got here, but you're going to have to leave...this party is for adults," as nicely and respectfully as I can - of course.
The result of all this him letting his child run rampant at my life party being: I dreamt long of my husband and his grown-up-ness, and wished I could sneak back to that life.
I mean, do I really want to be back with him again? I can't imagine sex with him now, I'm just not there. But, I love him, always have that was never an issue. He was/is my like-mind soulmate - we just lost real life, alive, connected connection. We killed it with his addiction and subsequent methadone.
I miss him though. I miss him a lot.
Alas, I'm on my own here and I'm good with that for the most part. In fact, saying that statement feels absolutely perfect in my heart and soul. Who knows what happens with the Greek from here, maybe it's just a phase. Maybe it's not. Maybe he will not understand how to be a emotionally responsible man in a relationship with a emotionally responsible woman.
Either way, I feel good. A little sad, perhaps, but much better for having said all this and gotten it out of my head.
He's a bit of a moody, insolent child at times. I simply don't invite that into my daily life, I don't invite that behaviour to my parties, ya know? And if it shows up at my party, I generally end up saying, "Sorry, not sure how you got here, but you're going to have to leave...this party is for adults," as nicely and respectfully as I can - of course.
The result of all this him letting his child run rampant at my life party being: I dreamt long of my husband and his grown-up-ness, and wished I could sneak back to that life.
I mean, do I really want to be back with him again? I can't imagine sex with him now, I'm just not there. But, I love him, always have that was never an issue. He was/is my like-mind soulmate - we just lost real life, alive, connected connection. We killed it with his addiction and subsequent methadone.
I miss him though. I miss him a lot.
Alas, I'm on my own here and I'm good with that for the most part. In fact, saying that statement feels absolutely perfect in my heart and soul. Who knows what happens with the Greek from here, maybe it's just a phase. Maybe it's not. Maybe he will not understand how to be a emotionally responsible man in a relationship with a emotionally responsible woman.
Either way, I feel good. A little sad, perhaps, but much better for having said all this and gotten it out of my head.
Friday, November 10, 2017
New Day
It's my bday on Sunday. I got my period yesterday after 41 days of not having it, because I'm peri-menopausal and this shit is now random. I feel absolutely fantastic and super fucked up with a headache, nausea, and mood swingy af. But, it's okay because it has that feeling of being slammed down in a "you are now instantly grounded" Oprah voice kinda way. Welcome back to, Earth!
My inner asshole is FREE and expressive, which is kinda nice. I'm enjoying that. It happens so rarely. It's a little scary though, I think I can be horribly scary as an asshole.
I took today off work. I bought some hideous and cool, unflattering sweat pants, that fit everywhere accept for being 5 sizes too small around the waist (thanks Urban Planet), and am loving being home in them. Best bday gift ever (except, of course, for the loosing of circulation around my waist. Self inflicted pain seems fitting though).
I'm going to clean my house, finally put all my clothes away, and then drive up island to hang with my one friend and my kids. Fingers crossed my expectations aren't too high and I don't end up by myself on Friday night in a hostel, that would be weird.
I've got to clean up my manifesting - open all my doors and windows for a swell of great energy this weekend. I'm gearing up for a - regardless of any other thing that may or may not happen - day of celebrated aloneness wherein I rely on the simple joy of Bridget Jones 1&2, pizza & coke (maybe sushi) , and Purdy's chocolate (or Häagen-Dazs vanilla almond) to ring in my 47th year on Sunday.
47 fucking years. Haha. I'm reaching those age bands where, as a young punk, when I heard someone died at this age I was like, "we'll they lived a long life."
Hahahahah.
Oh, and, yeah, the Greek and I are still a thing. Maybe that will change now that he's met my PMS monster.
I have a lot of good feelings about him and I, but I'm in no condition to speak of them. Because, fuck him. Right? For no apparent reason, fuck him. I'm kidding, of course. ? No, really I am. He just can't win anything with me right now. I will either:
- cry because he's going to leave me because I'm crazy for the next 4 days
- look at him with absolute disdain because he's not funny
- accuse him of "looking at me like that."
- need him to pet me non stop
- get mad at him for patronizing me
or all of these in a span of 10 minutes, so it's probably better he stays far away.
Oh great, I just messaged him (with the intention of being nice and checking in) on the one app where I can see if he's a) read my message and b) read it and is not responding.... I could have just texted him and never known the difference.
shit. pray for him.
Thursday, September 14, 2017
Sweet Calm
Not sure why I'm feeling so - naked - so to speak. Vulnerable I suppose is a better word, but vulnerable because I feel naked. My usual barriers not in place.
The Greek pal didn't want to not talk to me while he was away and asked what I needed to feel comfortable with it all. I said I needed him to not sleep with other women. So, if that was an important part of this trip for him, then just let me go while he's away.
He said it was not important and he would much rather be in touch with me than leave that as an open opportunity. So, that's good.
Obviously, I don't trust that 100%, but... I trust it enough to enjoy his trip with him.
Work is fine. Sometimes I'm not busy enough and that leaves me feeling yucky somehow. We have a big production going on for the next few days and it will be busy - that doesn't seem to fix things.
I miss him. I feel a bit sad about that.
I have to/want to stop smoking so that I don't have to deal with this double life bullshit when he comes back. I guess I feel a bit off about that as well.
I'm afraid that when he comes back, the intensity will be exhausting. So, I need to clean my soul...
Open myself to change and letting go (smoking)
Ask to see the gentle quiet in us
Look to sweet calm
Show me the light in the day.
I surrender.
The Greek pal didn't want to not talk to me while he was away and asked what I needed to feel comfortable with it all. I said I needed him to not sleep with other women. So, if that was an important part of this trip for him, then just let me go while he's away.
He said it was not important and he would much rather be in touch with me than leave that as an open opportunity. So, that's good.
Obviously, I don't trust that 100%, but... I trust it enough to enjoy his trip with him.
Work is fine. Sometimes I'm not busy enough and that leaves me feeling yucky somehow. We have a big production going on for the next few days and it will be busy - that doesn't seem to fix things.
I miss him. I feel a bit sad about that.
I have to/want to stop smoking so that I don't have to deal with this double life bullshit when he comes back. I guess I feel a bit off about that as well.
I'm afraid that when he comes back, the intensity will be exhausting. So, I need to clean my soul...
Open myself to change and letting go (smoking)
Ask to see the gentle quiet in us
Look to sweet calm
Show me the light in the day.
I surrender.
Friday, September 8, 2017
Schrödinger's Cat (sort of, I guess)
Come on... seriously. He's boldly (or honestly) stated that he will probably have sex with someone(s) while he's there. We even talked about it before he left.
Yesterday, I exactly told him that if that was the case, I didn't really want to continue chatting everyday because every day I see his face, I'm imagining him with someone. Or, right after he messages me, I imagine he picks up with some girl and I see them in my minds eye having sex... great.
I would rather just not be together while he's there ie. don't talk like we're something while he's fucking other women.
I don't think he got it. He said, look I promise you I will be consistent in my messages and you will never be able to tell from my behaviour if I did or didn't.
Ummm, no. That just means EVERY TIME I talk to you, it's safe to assume you just were or are just about to be with someone. No. No, no, and... no.
If I don't talk to him while he's there, then he's in a box that I don't open. He's him and I'm me. We are separate. I don't have to know either way. I can assume he did or will at some point without feeling he did or imagining he did every.fucking.time I talk to him.
Yesterday, I exactly told him that if that was the case, I didn't really want to continue chatting everyday because every day I see his face, I'm imagining him with someone. Or, right after he messages me, I imagine he picks up with some girl and I see them in my minds eye having sex... great.
I would rather just not be together while he's there ie. don't talk like we're something while he's fucking other women.
I don't think he got it. He said, look I promise you I will be consistent in my messages and you will never be able to tell from my behaviour if I did or didn't.
Ummm, no. That just means EVERY TIME I talk to you, it's safe to assume you just were or are just about to be with someone. No. No, no, and... no.
If I don't talk to him while he's there, then he's in a box that I don't open. He's him and I'm me. We are separate. I don't have to know either way. I can assume he did or will at some point without feeling he did or imagining he did every.fucking.time I talk to him.
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