Sunday, January 15, 2017

A Boring Update Kind Of Post

Feel free to skip this in its entirety.

A lot has seemed to transpire in the last few days. Most of it does not beg to be written, in fact, there is only one thing that really ever begs to be written,  however I feel it important-ish to make note of the following:

1) I told my former partner (of twenty years) that I have physically moved on. Due to the fact that we are such great partners/pals as a separated couple and the fact that I know he feels he will love me eternally, it was important to let him know the one deal breaker for him: I have had/am having sex with another man.

He's fucked up about it. SOMEHOW, after everything, 2 separations, numerous discussions, couples counselling, subtle and not-subtle (I find myself wishing I would come home and you would tell me your gay...) statements - he thought that it was likely just a matter of time until I would come back to him.

He figured I would go and explore the world on my own and find out that home with him, on the couch as he played computer games, was the one (and only) place that I truly wanted to be.

This is day 2 with no cigarette, and I find the above notion, well, insulting.

It's almost as if he never truly listened to a word I said and in the end I stopped really trying and just gave him the rope with which he, metaphorically speaking,  hung himself.

I feel pain that he feels pain, but I don't feel sorry for him. I feel more like, "Dude, really? Now you get it? It took me having sex with someone else for you to get the pain and emptiness I felt?" with a meh-shrug to go along with it.

2) Through very regrettable circumstances, I've come into just enough money to treat myself to a little age removal. I am beside myself with excitement and I hope it takes just the right amout of edge off that I look 35. Yesterday as I was getting my eyelashes tinted, the girl asked me, "do you have grandkids?" Clearly, this opportunity can't come quick enough.

The Greek doesn't seem to be too concerned about my youthful spirit (and body) but aging face deal, but I can't wait to appear even a little fresher and less old/tired.

3) Going snowboarding with the work crew this coming weekend. My skills are minimal, they could be awesome if I had the time and money to spend on the mountain. The Greek will be there, he has cockily suggested that I wanted him to hang out with me. I told him, "Absolutely no way, nu uh." I don't want to feel self conscious,  I want to learn. It came out later that it is, in fact, him that wants us to hang on the hills together and board. I will, most certainly, let you know how that goes.

I will not be going into work this week and will not be seeing him until the mountain this weekend,  at which time we will be surrounded by work people. This means a whole week not touching him, not nuzzling my face in his neck, not feeling his body behind mine, not spending a whole lot of physical energy going between making love and fucking. We've come far enough now that the loss of this week will be felt and will likely drive me crazy.

4) I'm 46 and had my tubes removed ~4 years ago after an ectopic pregnancy. My period is now 15 days overdue. I have either entered some form of menopause or am miraculously pregnant. Will be gong this morning to buy a pregnancy test whilst feeling incredibly silly.

That, in a nutshell, is it! Thanks for hearing me out.

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