Exploring the Playing Field

Places inside of me. They are soft. Perhaps tender is the right word. They are scared. Perhaps trepidatious is the right word.

Love. What is it? Will it last? Does it simply continue to continue based on its core existence, will it withstand the bumps?

Attraction. Where did it come from? From love?

I get afraid that now that we've given into it, he will lose it. I wonder if he thinks the same things?

I worry that if I give him all of me the thrill of not quite knowing will eradicate the attraction.

Bottom line, I worry. Worry that it will end (if he sees all of me?).

I know it will end someday, I'm not worried about that. I worry that it will end before it ever really started - like it has a million times since the day it started.

I worry that if I'm not on my A game, he will see this as a flaw. That if he is in love, he is in love with the A game version. I don't know, that seems silly, but then again, not.

Bottom line, I'm vulnerable - my body is saying... this can't be good. It's not my usual controlled vulnerability where I direct what happens next.

So, in those moments, I have to be prepared to lose everything - and my heart says, wait, no. Not just yet... I like the sweetness. 

Don't let him see the fear just yet, it might repel him. Just shut down, disappear a little bit, hide until its safe.

Like it happened about a year ago now, this weekend I saw him and my entire body just said, "I love him" and I don't know why. I don't know what it is other than just the core of him. And perhaps I just don't understand that.

Admitting that I love him makes me vulnerable.

I know he has had this same fear, he has said things like, and I paraphrase:

Something about being too much, too affectionate, too... to and how this has lost him girls, maybe... His brother has taught him to hold back, play it cool, because he can pour it on thick. So, I know he's felt the same thing.

And just before he said the "I love you" he said what he liked about me was that he didn't have to hide who he was, the affectionate side, he could be himself and I wouldn't take off.

And until now, I've been playing it cool and distant because I, too, know those rules. So, now, do I take that armour off? Will he still be attracted to me if I show weakness?

....

So, hours later. I ended up messaging him to say, "Sorry if I was off, not on my a-game today" and he called and we talked, and I was like, "I have nothing..." and he laughed.

I told him I was slightly emotional because it was my time and he just... understood and we just were and... I loved him for it.

Ugh. What is going to happen?