The Gift

It's been seven months, well eight as of February, that we have been together. The last three of those have been on a committed level. Committed seems like a big word, but I don't know how better to say that since November we've both admitted and surrendered to us.

Last week, he said, "You are my woman" and then something about, "I guess I need to..." what? What did he say exactly? It was something about solidifying that or stating that... I wish I could remember.

Between that and him once asking me if I would every consider getting remarried... I really wonder what that means to him.

I have imagined him asking me to marry him. I've imagined him simply putting a box with a ring in it on the table at a work lunch and asking me to marry him. And to my surprise, the answer is a whole hearted yes.

Yes, yes, and yes.

I do not understand any of this, and I think that's right. We've done every step of this one day at a time, one second at a time, and we've made it this far.  I think we can trust that.

Now, I'm not saying that he's going to come out in the next little while and ask me to marry him - I mean what would that mean for living arrangements and all that.

What would that mean to our individual independence that we both enjoy? But it does make me wonder what stating that I am his (and he is mine) would look like to him. It makes me excited and happy.

I love him. For reasons that seem completely out of my mind and directly originating from my soul, I love him. It's like there was never a choice.

I can't help but look back at my relationship with my partner of twenty years and think, "Was it the same with him? Was it not the same?"

I remember feeling giddy with him and in love, but there was a struggle around it, a bit of a push to make it continue and grow. There wasn't the same nakedness that I feel now, the same coming undone to each other: exposing vulnerabilities, exploring, enjoying... it was not the same.  It was not as simple and real as this feels.

It's beautiful and I am humbled by it. I want to respect it and let it in.

It is a gift, of that I am sure.

My past relationship suddenly seems surreal. If it didn't have this, what did it have? What drew me, what kept me? I guess the fact that I didn't know that this could exist coupled with the fact that I wouldn't have let someone like The Greek into my life back then. I don't understand, now, why I wouldn't have. What was I repelled by? Someone who wanted to be nice to me? To please me?

Maybe I wasn't ready to be pleased. Maybe now I am. I am definitely way more open to being a more complete version of myself.

It feels surreal to really say good-bye to those twenty years and everything I thought they would encompass. In all the times we've split up or taken breaks, neither of us have completely let go - and now it's time to. Now, it's really time.

I feel like I let him down, let us and the dream of us, down. And I feel bad that I don't feel more bad about it. All I can do is hope that he sees or finds the gift in this for him - for I'm sure that 1) it exists and 2) I am not it.