Nerves

Breathe. Breath nerves, breath.

I am in my hometown for a few days for work, not much new there, just one extra day. It feels like a new life though, as if I could imagine living here full time again. Ew.

I like my little small town.

I was out on my own for some dinner last night, reading a book and drinking (what turned out to be one glass too many) wine, and as some people were getting up to leave, discussing the cold, I injected myself in the conversation to agree on the horribleness of the cold wind. The girl looked at me as if I had done the unthinkable. It reminded me of how snobby this town can be and sent a nasty chill down my spine - the arrogant look in her eye. I don't want to live here.

My little Greek friend continues with his complete 180. He's funny. He seems to correct himself differently now when he thinks he's said something stupid, he seems more self conscious. It's kinda sweet. It seems he doesn't realize that I already know him, I've already accepted his oddness. In fact, it's the very reason I've been attracted to him.

It's odd though, I would never had the room in my mind or heart for someone like him before. It seems very strange to me that I am attracted to his very essence, his core, now. I've only allowed what I consider men to be in my romantic life. It's not that he is not a man, it's just, he's more a person then just the picture of a man. He is himself and that is more than just subscribing to being a man in this society.

I'm curious about why I never allowed myself to be with people like this before. I'm curious if it has something to do with where I am in my life and the experience behind me, which is to say... is it my age? Are younger women turned off by him because he is in the moment and the moment doesn't consist of making up stories about a perceived life together? And him and I are here only because there was no story, just what was and is. Day by day.

He will come over tonight and, in the moment, we will devour each other slowly. Sweetly. In the moment, it will feel just fine and good. It will be the moment where my skin and heart can stop holding its breath, having been waiting for this moment to return.

In the moments prior to this moment, I feel butterfly nerves. I think it is because he is real and I am inviting him into my world - my closed off little world where only a handful of people have been.