Wednesday, March 8, 2017

Seriously.

I can't help but think this is not over (in some fairy tale in my mind, perhaps). In some place in him, he is in love with me and I him.

We went for tea yesterday and talked for over an hour about everything. At some points when I was talking, his hands were on the table, nearly pulling at it with the desire to touch or hold me.

For now though, he has completely quit me, like he has sugar in his diet. He is resolute and there will be no moving him.

Perhaps it's over forever. Perhaps it will evolve into a mature friendship. Perhaps it's wishful thinking on my part, to help ease the pain, to imagine a place where we come back together. Because, it's rare to find what we have in each other - at its simplest form, it's a deep appreciation of each other's spirits.

He talked about how he was really taking a look at the expected path of humans: find love, get married, have children, raise children.... and then what? He doesn't see that as a path he wants.

It does feel like he has to understand his decisions more, has to walk through a few more doors before he could really decide to be with me (or someone like me).

For my part, I think I needed to see that I really am willing to accept all of him, all his quirks, because I was unsure for a while there if I could.

So, yeah, I don't know. It still feels bigger than us, like there's a destiny of sorts still at play.

So, I will trust in love and abundance for now and let the wind blow where ever it blows. It's time for me to get to work on my projects and take myself seriously for a little while.

Maybe he will be just like the Misery period where when enough time passed, it all seemed like a silliness on my part and I had no desire to fall back into it.

Maybe it wont. Maybe the fact that we happened in real life makes it different.


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